Lately I’ve been thinking about
All the moments that we missed
When we’re younger we think we have plenty of time
And don’t think about stuff like this
We put so much off until later
But what if later never comes?
All tomorrows repeats of yesterdays
The future setting like the sun
I’m not ready yet to miss you
When I know that you’re right here
There’s so much I wanted to give you
Before my chances disappeared
Now it hurts that we talk almost everyday
And yet we never talk at all
Or that I battle with all these tempting thoughts
Not to answer when you call
Of course I want to be here for you
But it seems this is always where we’ve been
You telling me about how hard it is
While I listen on the other end
I look back and feel like a failure
I wish I could’ve spared you from some pain
But the best I can do is be a witness
And pray for something else to change
I wrote this poem as I started to think about how many conversations I have with my mom are about how to make it from month to month. We talk everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. But rarely are our conversations about thing that I would like us to talk about. Because of all of the stress over the past few years, there has been a strain on the relationship. I’ll be honest and say that often I am acting like I am her parent rather than the other way around. I want her to be safe and make decisions for her well-being. I know how hard she tried to be whatever and whoever she felt she needed to be to make sure we survived growing up. That took a toll on her. And I know that she had huge dreams–most of which never got fulfilled. This is a wound in her heart.
She always told me that she wanted to leave my brothers and I with a legacy. What she meant was money. That hasn’t happened and it saddens her. She apologizes for not being in a better financial situation and asks me to believe in her that she can still pull it off. I want to believe, but… And now that I am witnessing her forgetting so much and yet still holding out hope for a miracle or for her “ship to come in” as she says, I feel a twinge of regret. I ask myself, “If I knew we were going to end up here anyway, what would I have done differently?”
At first, I told myself I would’ve stayed in the military so that I would have my retirement right now and I could be working another job to provide for her. But then I look at my wife and kids and know that I had to take the course I did. I then think that I should’ve chosen a more lucrative profession than being a pastor. But then, I was having a conversation with a guest at the church who is experiencing homelessness and watching members of the congregation–to include children–serving food and sitting with our homeless neighbors and I thought, “I am glad to be in this moment.” And then I thought, well maybe I was called to be a pastor for a season, but now that my mom needs me, I need to move on and do something else because my responsibilities demand it. And then I prayed and I felt the spirit moving me to be honest about how hard this is and to tell my friends. And so I did. And they stepped in and blessed my family and gave me room to breathe so I could figure out how to make the next best move for my mom. They showed me the truth of the teaching that says, “[God’s] strength is made perfect in our weakness.”
And so then in that space, I asked God what I could do differently for my mom. And in my soul’s language I heard, “Don’t miss her while she is still here. Because that’s what you’ve been doing. If you want to have different conversations with her, change the subject. Talk about the things that you wish you could talk to her about. If she misses it and repeats something else she just said, tell her you love her. Tell her your dreams and maybe she’ll get joy in knowing that she is a part of them. Have an unreasonable belief in miracles because you never know what might happen. And don’t forget, you are not in this alone.”
So if you are reading this, what my soul spoke into my life, I speak into yours. There are so many things in life that can distract us from the moments we are in–something to tempt us to forget that there is always the possibility of great beauty around the corner. In my weakness, I found strength in hitting my limits and reaching out. My hope is that in sharing what I am learning, it is blessing you all too.
Waking up to You is the why of my life
You are the Dream that stops my dreaming
You tell the Story of what many fear to know
And give every Word its truest meaning
You call to me to my deepest Self
By the Name only You can give
Whispering in so loud a voice
That gives the dead the choice to Live
Many of us say we know You
But Love says that that’s not true
Whenever we say You dwell in us
But can’t see our neighbor inside of You
Or when we make the least important things
The sandy ground of our foundations
Forsaking the Rock upon which You’ve built for us
The most enduring of habitations
We’re distracted by the attraction
Of getting more by giving less
We measure others by the scale of our selfishness
Then give ourselves credit when we confess
But despite all of this You love us
And that never shall decrease
Even when we deny Your Presence
By not seeing you in our least
And that’s the refining fire
You love us everywhere we go
Even when we use Your Name to tell our lies
And act like You don’t know
You are definitely some kind of amazing
I hope my soul can reach your standard
I give up my story that keeps me up at night
To awaken to Yours that’s so much grander.
In a moment of self-reflection I determined something sad Perhaps I will never have a child Until I become the father I never had
As a kid I’d approach different men And ask if they had a son If the answer they gave was ever “no” I’d ask if I could be there one
Little boys need their fathers I am a testament to that I have spent my whole life chasing mine And being how I thought he should act
I watched the rest of the “single mother crew” Trying to find acceptance among our clan But I didn’t want to be raised by kids So I continued to pursue the Man
I had a grandpa who died when I was four I had an uncle who was pretty cool A guy named Chico who my mom once loved And a couple of teachers from my school
They all had an impact on me But it still was not enough And though I still saw my real dad from time to time I still needed a father’s love
So in every man I met I looked for the best part I could find I knew that all of them couldn’t make one dad But part of them could be mine
So I guess you could say I’m blessed That’s why I still pray for all my niggas All of us who deep inside Are still looking for our father figure
I wrote this poem almost 20 years ago—before I had my kids obviously. I came across it when looking for something in the garage. It was in a cardboard box next to my high school year book. For a moment I hesitated looking at them both. But lately, I have been thinking a lot about the presence of my father’s absence. You read that right—the presence of my father’s absence.
It is strange how we can feel someone’s distance. I felt my dad’s. Every time I found myself in a situation where I felt like I needed a dad, I could feel that my dad wasn’t there. And I imagine, that a lot of other boys in my situation felt that way too. And as men, I bet a lot of us still wrestle with that presence of absence.
Now that I have my own children, I cannot imagine intentionally being out of their lives. Still, I don’t blame my dad for not being able to be who I thought I needed. One reason I don’t blame him is because I know that I can’t judge him. First of all, what good would it do? Second of all, he must have been carrying something very painful to not have the capacity for fatherhood in the conventional sense.
To make up for the absence, I allowed the space to be filled with God and the Frankenstein father I created from the pieces I picked up–and am still picking up–along the way.
As I reflected on this and on who I experience myself as now, I like to think that everything that happened was perfect. And yet, I can’t help but wonder about those other people in my position who were never able to fill that absence—people who to this day long for what we’d hoped for in a father figure. I wonder and I pray that they become who they have always been looking for.
I am grateful that after more than a 4 year journey, Take This Life has finally made its way out into the world. It has been a blessing to me. I hope it blesses everyone it comes in contact with because you are made to shine. #makeitlight
To see this song on other online platforms click here.
I’m using Take This Life to create a #makeitlight challenge to highlight good being done in the world. If you happen to decide to share it online, can you use the #makeitlight tag?
(When you shine your Light it isn’t just for you. It’s for everybody else that’s been watching what you do.)
Take this life Make it right Take this life Make it Light To see…
You ever had those thoughts that wouldn’t go away? They’re runnin’ though your mind like every single day. Wake up in the mornin’ Get on your knees and pray Don’t believe it works But you do it anyway That’s what it’s like when you feelin’ hopeless Lookin’ at your life and you’ve got no focus You say, “It gets better.” Swear to God you know this But you caught up in the mix Don’t where your flow is This is the way of the American dream We think we see clearly But it isn’t what it seems Addicted to consumption So we livin’ like we fiends Only find meaning When we get a bunch of things Sooo…
Take this life Make it right Take this life Make it Light To see…
You know the Way That’s what they say That’s why I pray To shine like the Day Sooo…
Take this life Make it right Take this life Make it Light To see…
Here’s a little something I’m getting off my chest It’s been a long time Since last I confessed I denied you Thinking I’d get the rest But life without you Is a life that’s a mess
The best of me Is messin’ with the rest of me It’s testin’ me At least until I get to see I’m blessed to be Livin’ with you next to me ‘Cause life within you Is for X to see You see
They say you know the Way I’m inclined to believe it Though never in my life Have I seen one to achieve it You told us how to do it I’ll be shocked If we gon’ heed it Then we looking all surprised By the fact that we defeated Soo…
Take this life Make it right Take this life Make it Light To see
You know the Way That’s what they say That’s why I pray To shine like the Day Sooo…
Take this life Make it right Take this life Make it Light To see…
When you shine your light It isn’t just for you It’s for everybody else That’s been watchin’ what you do You can talk that talk But the walk shows what is true Are you a hypocrite Or the proud and the few? That’s the kind of question I ask myself daily Trying to get back to my roots As if my name was Alex Haley You don’t like my style But never will you play me ‘Cause I’m gon’ shine my light Till the day that they take me
You say I know the way ‘Cause if you do, I’m supposed to I’m glad you chose me Even when I hadn’t chose you The world is out of order And everybody knows it How’s a nation under you When all you are, it opposes If they gon’ be that Pharaoh Then I’m gon’ be that Moses They don’t want to see us shine ‘Cause when we do it exposes So I’m gon’ keep speaking Til everybody knows this It’s when we turn to you That we see where the flow is
You know the Way That’s what they say That’s why I pray To shine like the Day Sooo…
Take this life Make it right Take this life Make it Light To see…
Matthew 5:15
No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house.
Below is the original performance of the song that I did as a pastor.
Below is my final sermon as a pastor where in my farewell, I remind the community that, as the song Take This Life says, “YOU KNOW THE WAY”. The message ends with Asha singing, Change Gonna Come by Sam Cooke.
It's All In Me - Poetry Blog 