Category: Discernment

Everything Always Forever

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NOTE: This piece was originally posted on my Substack where the majority of my writing lives right now.

Beginnings, Endings, and Beginning Again Again

Imagine if everything lasted forever.

Not just some things. Everything.

Imagine a reality where there was no death, no degradation, nothing that truly wore out or disappeared. Things might change form. They might appear and disappear from view. They might grow, contract, expand, transform, or reinvent themselves. But nothing would actually come to an end. And from a place of focused consciousness, you can “revisit” or “re-present” any point in an infinitude of moments.

How would we live in a world like that?

And what if I told you that I think we already live in a world like that? Could you imagine that?

Well for most of my life, I haven’t experienced time in quite the same way that many people have described it to me. What I experience is not a sequence of things that arise and then vanish, but an ongoing expression of something that is always here. Things appear new, but they never feel separate from what came before. Everything feels simultaneously ancient and freshly born.

I know that may be difficult to fathom.

Truthfully, I’ve often found it just as difficult to understand why so many people experience reality primarily through the lens of the fear of endings. Perhaps it has something to do with what the writer of Hebrews was pointing toward when he suggested that humanity remains in bondage because of the fear of death (Hebrews 2:14-15). If you’ve read my work before, you’ve probably encountered my references to Ernest Becker and his exploration of death denial. Becker argued that much of human behavior is organized around avoiding our awareness of mortality. Later thinkers expanded that idea into what is now called Terror Management Theory.

But I don’t really want to revisit all of that today. What I want to talk about is time. Or perhaps more accurately, I want to talk about the possibility that time is not what we think it is. The closest analogy I can find is an infinitely foldable sheet of paper.

Every Single Thing Is Folding In On Everything Else

Imagine taking a single sheet of paper infinite in size and dimensions and folding it over itself again and again, like an accordion. Peaks touch troughs. Distant points suddenly become neighbors. What appears separated from one perspective becomes intimately connected from another. Each fold becomes a moment. Each peak or valley appears isolated when viewed from inside the fold. Yet every fold belongs to the same sheet. Every moment belongs to the same reality.

The moment we are focused upon becomes the center of our experience, but that doesn’t make it separate from everything else. That may not be the perfect metaphor, but it comes close to describing how I experience life.

There are moments when I experience myself as an infant again—not remembering myself as an infant, but somehow inhabiting that perspective. Other moments, I am elderly. Sometimes I am standing in the imagination of my own deathbed. Then I am young again.

The continuity we call “my life” often feels less like a linear progression and more like a temporary arrangement of attention. It’s as though consciousness is constantly moving its spotlight. When the spotlight rests somewhere, that becomes “now.” When it moves, another now appears.

The Twists and Turns Are the Point

If the paper description You stand in line knowing the ride is safe. You watch other people get on and off. Intellectually, you understand that you’re fine.

Then the ride begins.

The drops come.

The loops come.

The twists come.

And for a few moments, you forget.

You feel fear, excitement, anticipation, wonder. Then the ride ends, and almost immediately most people want to get back in line. Why? Because the feelings were the point. And, I can’t help but trust that life works much the same way.

We create countless experiences, relationships, identities, conflicts, triumphs, losses, and reunions. We generate the appearance of distance from ourselves, from one another, and perhaps even from God. But all of it serves the experience.

All of it belongs to the same ride.

All of it belongs to the same infinite sheet–or maybe I should call it a field like so many others have. But, I like the idea of a sheet of paper because we can also inscribe upon it whatever experience we desire.

When we focus narrowly, we experience isolated moments. When we widen our awareness, we see that everything is touching everything else.

It is like standing in a valley versus standing on a mountaintop. From the valley, your vision is limited. You can only see what appears immediately around you. From the mountaintop, you see the entire landscape at once. Nothing changed except your perspective. The landscape was always there.

The God’s Eye View

In some corners of physics, we say that frequency and time have an inverse relationship. I learned this when I was a satellite communication technician. The faster the frequency, the shorter the interval. Push that principle far enough and you approach something like timelessness. That’s a reality in which everything exists simultaneously. It’s basically the way C.S. Lewis describes what he imagined to be God’s perspective of reality. He also liked the paper analogy by the way.

So, before you freak out that I might be suggesting that I see the world from God’s perspective, consider a couple of things. One, C.S. Lewis described what he believed was God’s perspective from the vantage point of C. S. Lewis’ very own perspective. So, at worst, I am doing the same thing. But the second thing anyone who has a problem with me talking like this should ask is, whose perspective would the person disturbed by my description be evaluating it from? Their idea of God’s perspective? Their own?

Do you see where I am going with all of this. All perspectives exist everywhere all the time right now and we all have access to them all if we so choose to look at it all from an elevated view.

Nothing is emerging. Nothing is arriving. Nothing is becoming. Everything simply always is forever now. You know it. I know it. We are it. But, when we are on the self chosen roller coaster we forget so that we can enjoy everything the ride has to offer.

That is why life seems to oscillate between forgetting and remembering. Forgetting and remembering. Forgetting and remembering. It is like inhaling and exhaling. Each breath not only feels new, it is new. And, yet every breath belongs to the same life. In the same way, each life feels separate, yet perhaps every life belongs to the same to the One Life of which we are all expressions.

All Is Revealed Outside of Time

This morning, I wrote a song called Too Good, Too True. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I picked the song just like one picks a ripe piece of fruit. The song arrived almost instantly because the words have always existed. My role wasn’t to invent them so much as to become present enough to hear them and willing enough to share them. That may sound strange, but I suspect every artist, inventor, scientist, and dreamer knows something about this experience.

If you’ve seen the new Michael Jackson biopic, you know that Michael expressed something similar when he said that he had to be available to receive a song or God was going to give the song to Prince.

The song was there. I simply tuned into it. The same is true of every creation.

Every song.

Every poem.

Every invention.

Every painting.

Every possibility.

Everything that has existed, will exist, or could have existed already resides within the infinite field of what is. From this way of experiencing life, Creation may be less about manufacturing something new and more about entering into relationship with something waiting to be chosen.

That reminds me of a story often told about Michael Jackson. During the making of the film Michael, he joked that if he didn’t receive a song, it might go to Prince instead.

I resonated with the frequency of Too Good, Too True, from a place of appreciation. My youngest daughter and I had just gone to see the Masters of the Universe movie–another nostalgia inducing flick like the MJ movie that aligned me with my child expression. The fold of what we could call the past and the present touched and I could see the whole landscape of this life as Pedro Senhorinha Silva and how all of it was working together for me to experience the joys of my relationships with my wife and kids. And when I connected to that, I thought about how many lives I would be willing to live to experience little moments with my family. And the answer is infinite lives.

The song speaks from the perspective of a love that can never actually lose what it loves. A love that creates distance only so reunion can occur. A love that asks, “Do you love me too?” even while already knowing the answer. A love that returns ten thousand times because there was never anywhere else to go.

When I wrote:

“Even if it takes me ten thousand lives,
I’ll keep coming back for you…”

I am not just talking about romantic love.

I am talking about every relationship.

I am talking about humanity and God.

I am talking about self and Self.

I am talking about enemies who eventually become friends.

I am talking about the universe continually rediscovering itself through every form it takes.

That’s why I ended the song with:

“So know that what’s loved
Never comes to an end.
Lovers, enemies, friends,
Then begin again.”

Maybe that is what all of this is. A beginning that never ends. An ending that never quite finishes. What some have described as an infinite game of hide-and-seek in which the seeker and the sought are the same being. We create time so that reunion can happen. We create distance so that closeness can be felt. We create forgetting so that remembering can be ecstatic. And every once in a while, through a song, a conversation, a sunrise, a heartbreak, or a moment of stillness, we catch a glimpse of what has been true all along.

There is no ultimate separation. There never was. There is only the endless joy of finding one another again.

Everything.

Always.

Forever.

Too Good, Too True

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

Even though there’s no space between

I create distance so I can dream

Of finding you

And reminding you

That you are mine

And I belong to you

This song’s for you

This universe is too

I can’t lie to you

Even though we’re always here

I push you away to draw you near

Love casts out fear

Separation disappears

Now it’s clear

Shed no more tears

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

Forgive me if I’ve gone too far

I always know where you are

Like the brightest star

You’re never not in view

Only eyes for you

Can you see me too?

I need you to

Can you see now that

You are my heart

It beats for you

I breathe for you

I see through you

No me, no you

Know me, know you

This is what we do

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

So know that what’s loved

Never comes to an end

Lovers, enemies, friends

Then begin again

There is no sin

When you aim to win

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

I found you again

Too Good Too True

The Cost of Discipleship

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When I feel like I don’t deserve what’s coming
I get tempted to run away
Often I make it to the door
But 95 percent of the time I stay
The reason isn’t because I’ve gained some clarity
Or feel like I should be a screen for folk’s projection
It’s because I know that he didn’t run away
Which created the path to resurrection
All of us have been crucified before
It makes sense to want to escape it
But the power that’s on the other side
Only comes when we choose to face it
That doesn’t mean that you should be a victim
Or try to keep your abusers near
It simply means that only perfect love
Can cast out the toxicity of fear
You see this Universe has a crazy way
Of calling up what causes revulsion
Through a process that rarely goes away
It’s called repetition compulsion
That means even when we’ve been hurt before
We keep the patterns in our life
With the hope that one day we’ll learn the lesson
And handle the situation right
But that’s a peculiar kind of insanity
That makes us become what it is we hate
In a backwards way of trying to save ourselves
From the behavior that becomes our fate
That’s why I’d rather wind up dead sometimes
Than become what tried to destroy me
Efforting to cast out all my cares
So that the Creator can employ me
To most this sounds like a justification
Or an extreme version of denial
But to me I can’t return to innocence
If I never go on trial

© Copyright 2024 Pedro Senhorinha Silva

Ego Trippin’

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A million opportunities
For me to be
A million different people
Who were never me
Negative one
Plus infinity
Makes me less than the man
I’m supposed to be
Made like the Creator
Supposedly
But show up in my power
They’re opposed to me
The essence of the One
Is meant to flow in me
And flow inside of you
Hopefully
But we’re taught not to try
To live in a lie
See ourselves as less
The higher us we deny
On earth as in Heaven
I see it so clearly
While the Logos Way
Is disappearing
We’re called to show love
But we’re steady fearing
Wanting to escape
We hope the end is nearing
But we’re back in the beginning
There’s no loss and no winning
Reality is virtual
So we’re virtually sinning
Missing every mark
Too fast and no aiming
Preaching to the choir
Is so spiritually draining
But here is my thesis
We’re stuck in mimesis
Copying the bound
So we don’t know what free is
It’s not supposed to be this
Leaders who just hinder
Taking advantage
Because your souls are so tender
Don’t knock, but still enter
Hypocritical mind splinters
So consistently cold
It’s like perpetual winter
Frozen in place
Condemning with no Grace
Filled with emptiness
Like a room with no space
So come face to face
Breathe the Breath of the Living
Surrender everything
To be eternally giving
Take part in the Whole
Out of the many become One
A million choices become choiceless
Now the ego trip’s done

©️ Copyright 2024 Pedro Senhorinha Silva

Listen Once and For All

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Listen
Without words
To what can only be spoken
With Silence
There is no loss
There is no gain
In the Place where Love is Home
Like the top of the inhale
And the bottom of the exhale
Where in and out are One
And coming and going cease to be
There resides the thought
That tells you what you already know
You are more than enough
And worthy of all Creation
Here is where
In Silence you hear
The Voice of the voiceless
Noiselessly shouting
Everything I Am
Is Communicating
To Everything You Are
Telling You
Once and for All
We have Everything We need
When We have each Other

Grief is a Midwife

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Grief is a midwife, giving birth to who we’d never be without loss’ seed.
Realizing that you’ll never again be who you used to be makes room for who you are becoming
So let yourself weep. Be emptied of who you’ve been
Because someone wiser, more capable, and more honest is waiting to emerge
Everything you held back, waiting for the right time can be released from its temporal prison
The time to be who you were created to be is always now
And yet, in the realm of human relating, there is always an order
First the mother and the father, then comes the child is the way it is written
But also true, is that before mother, father, or child took residence in the womb, they were wholly conceived and fully known in infinity
BEING from the beginning AND dwelling in time is the Spiritual reality of those who embrace the human reality that in this life we must learn to hold grief in one hand and joy in the other
So grieve as you must, tremble with the pangs of rebirth
It is the falling away of who you can no longer be
So that who you’ve always been can come to LIFE

© Copyright 2023 Pedro S. Silva II

In my last poem, Higher Dimensions, I mentioned that my friend, Bishop Carlton Pearson was sick. Well, a few days ago on November 19, he died. Since that moment, I have been going through the 5 Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. pretty much in exact order and quick succession.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

I don’t know if I am going through them in an orderly fashion because I know of them or because they are natural. Either way, I am going through them without resistance and telling everyone that I am meeting up with in person during this holiday season that if I go in and out and look disinterested it is because I am grieving someone I felt very close to.

The Sixth Stage of Grief
The poem above is part of the lesser known sixth stage of grief by David Kessler, Finding Meaning. In the text below from Carlton, he was ministering to me in my grief about leaving ministry. But, I find that it is equally applicable for grieving him.

I have been holding back so much over the years because I didn’t feel like I could bear to relive the rejection I received from the Pentecostal church I was a part of years ago. I met Carlton in the height of his rejection and the scarring over of mine. For a season I had easy access to him because many in his life had turned on him. In that time, we talked out all we had endured and marveled at how our lives mirrored each other even down to both of our wives working for airlines and the adventure of flying on standby. It was kind of uncanny. What differed was that he still wanted to go back to the folks who rejected him and make plain what he had not fully been able to articulate at his dismissal. I did not. I only wanted to talk to people who indicated their openness. And that’s where our paths diverged.

Now that he’s gone in the body, I’ve been trying to make meaning of the last couple of years. He was way busier and folks who formerly rejected him started popping back in. He was terribly hurt by Trumpism and how easily evangelicals surrendered to this so called “strongman” and seemingly put him on par with the Christ Carlton loved so much. He was trying to reconcile how he gave so much of his life to that expression of Christianity and how in some ways he felt complicit in many folks, especially Black folks, believing such painful doctrine. He wanted to make up for it. And in that way, he was like a modern day Paul of Tarsus trying to preach his new understanding of Christ.

I totally understood AND I couldn’t get into it with people who didn’t want to meet even halfway. Twice in his life, he gave up everything for his love of God and people. The first time it almost cost him his life. The second time, it did.

Even though I foresee myself writing out a lot of words in my grief processing, words can’t begin to express the contribution this man has been to human evolution in consciousness. I predict that we’ll be discussing him for generations. As for now, I’m going to keep talking to him in my heart and writing my way into who I’m becoming.

Surviving Heartbreak

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Day 104 of 365

You finally gave your heart away
The recipient returned to sender
Now you don’t want to ever hurt again
So you’re incapable of surrender
You barely survived the heartbreak
You say you can’t do it again
But if you don’t keep putting your heart at risk
Love will never win
I know it’s a dilemma
I’ve known that pain myself
If the first person thought I was not enough
How can I ever trust someone else?
There’s some validity to that logic
No one wants to suffer
But putting ourselves out there despite the risk
Is how we find each other
Besides holding back doesn’t hurt the one
Who caused you so much pain
In the end you only hurt yourself
By not giving your heart to gain
You see every time you survive a heartbreak
Then get back in the saddle
You’re secretly becoming more like God
Whose Love will never lose a battle
Didn’t you know that while God’s watching us
God’s heart is always breaking
But Love always comes in and fills the gaps
In the midst of our forsaking
Imagine if most of your children
Lie and say they love you
But take the gifts you have to them
And put those very things above you
You try to teach them to use them wisely
They push you away and will not listen
Only thinking of themselves as usual
They take what’s One and cause division
So you send them Love’s instructors
But they won’t listen to them either
Instead they ignore or murder them
Then label them deceiver
Or worse they pretend to worship them
In order to make them something special
And when they fail to live like them
They blame it on the Devil
Any excuse that they can think of
To do what they want to do
Their only goal is simply to feel they’re right
To justify ignoring you
Meanwhile your heart is breaking
You feel like you’ll die inside
But you surrender because you know the Truth
And instantly you’re more alive
It’s the Mystery of the Heartbreak
By giving your Love you will get more
For Love is the gift that you received
That by faith is always restored

Image by Jakob Rosen on Unsplash

Light and Dark

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Day 75 of 365

I despise the fact that you make me necessary
And yet I love you because I’m here
But I am pained by watching you on your path
Knowing I’m powerless to interfere
In your weakness I find my strength
Though it is the last thing on my mind
Your emptiness gives me a place to fill
But this too will end with time
In this place we are often seen as enemies
In Truth, together we express the One
Because you’re insecure, I must show I’m not
Just as darkness creates a need for Sun
You are my partner that I cannot work with
Bound together by what keeps us apart
Although we’ll never occupy each other’s space
We’ve been together from the start.

Image by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

What Do You Mean By “What Do I Mean?“

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I really don’t get it
When liars get mad at being lied to
Bending truth like a pretzel
But cry “foul” when others tried too
I’m totally confused
By cheaters who hate a cheater
Their tragedy is a comedy
All of the drama but no theater
I have no time for manipulators
Who hate being controlled
I’m past your passive aggression
You can’t imagine the heavy toll
And polite people are perplexing
I’d rather be kind than nice
Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear
Because in time there is a price
And the “Holier than thou”,
Who are you trying to convince?
God sees your thoughts and so do I
So you can cut it with pretense
And I can’t forget emotional martyrs
Who find joy every time they suffer
Feeling good is like a full assault
From which they always have a buffer
Then there’s the guilty for feeling guilty
The ashamed of feeling shame
The people who say “I’m bored” so much
You’d think it was their name
There’re those who give advice
They never seem to take
And the ones who always “keep it real”
By being really fake
Every kind of reactive being
Whose heads are such a mess
But act like they have the whole thing down
But when confronted won’t confess
I can’t tell if they’re pretending
Or if they know not what they do
All I know is if I’m “too direct”
They say “Something‘s wrong with you”
If I say exactly what I mean
They ask “What do you mean by that?”
If I actually answer what they have asked
They say, “You’re too serious with all your facts.”
If I have no opinion on certain things
Because I have never explored them
They proclaim “experience-less expertise”
But are offended if I ignore them
They get angry if I talk calmly
Saying, “You don’t have any feelings.”
Little things can throw them off
They want my thoughts while they’re concealing
They are killers afraid of dying
Committing murder with their mouths
Always seeking clemency
But won’t give benefit of the doubt
And yet, I’m the one they call divergent
Because I’m slow to pick up norms
Discovering life as it shows up
Instead of aiming to conform
It’s enough to make me crazy
But I’m not trying to be neurotic
I refuse to believe it’s normalcy
To use emotions like narcotics
However this is what I witness
In the way that folks react
Feeling their way through unseen worlds
Then crashing like trains that go off track
But when confronted about their behavior
They cry and say, “I didn’t mean it.”
It’s like having your cake and eating it too
Now isn’t that convenient?

Freestyle Vision Statement

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It’s All too big

For us to be this small

We got to push out fear

So we can hear Love’s call

I  will keep building bridges 

To overcome your walls 

Undivide your divisions

Till we’re all in All

I don’t care if you don’t like me

What you may think unsightly,

I can never let it fright me

It might be…

Let me make a new decision

Undo everything I’ve learned

With Mysterious’ precision

Lose my vision

Makes me the opposite of blind

Eternally forgiving

Means never running out of time

I shine…

When I come out of the dark

“It is finished.”

From the moment that you start.

©️ Copyright 2021 Pedro S. Silva II

Miss You While You’re Here

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Lately I’ve been thinking about
All the moments that we missed
When we’re younger we think we have plenty of time
And don’t think about stuff like this

We put so much off until later
But what if later never comes?
All tomorrows repeats of yesterdays
The future setting like the sun

I’m not ready yet to miss you
When I know that you’re right here
There’s so much I wanted to give you
Before my chances disappeared

Now it hurts that we talk almost everyday
And yet we never talk at all
Or that I battle with all these tempting thoughts
Not to answer when you call

Of course I want to be here for you
But it seems this is always where we’ve been
You telling me about how hard it is
While I listen on the other end

I look back and feel like a failure
I wish I could’ve spared you from some pain
But the best I can do is be a witness
And pray for something else to change

I still have hope that you’ll get better
That perfect love will cast out fear
But for now I’ll be grateful for what we have
Because I don’t want to miss you while you’re here
© Copyright 2020 Pedro S. Silva II

I wrote this poem as I started to think about how many conversations I have with my mom are about how to make it from month to month. We talk everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. But rarely are our conversations about thing that I would like us to talk about. Because of all of the stress over the past few years, there has been a strain on the relationship. I’ll be honest and say that often I am acting like I am her parent rather than the other way around. I want her to be safe and make decisions for her well-being. I know how hard she tried to be whatever and whoever she felt she needed to be to make sure we survived growing up. That took a toll on her. And I know that she had huge dreams–most of which never got fulfilled. This is a wound in her heart.

She always told me that she wanted to leave my brothers and I with a legacy. What she meant was money. That hasn’t happened and it saddens her. She apologizes for not being in a better financial situation and asks me to believe in her that she can still pull it off. I want to believe, but… And now that I am witnessing her forgetting so much and yet still holding out hope for a miracle or for her “ship to come in” as she says, I feel a twinge of regret.  I ask myself, “If I knew we were going to end up here anyway, what would I have done differently?”

At first, I told myself I would’ve stayed in the military so that I would have my retirement right now and I could be working another job to provide for her. But then I look at my wife and kids and know that I had to take the course I did.  I then think that I should’ve chosen a more lucrative profession than being a pastor. But then, I was having a conversation with a guest at the church who is experiencing homelessness and watching members of the congregation–to include children–serving food and sitting with our homeless neighbors and I thought, “I am glad to be in this moment.” And then I thought, well maybe I was called to be a pastor for a season, but now that my mom needs me, I need to move on and do something else because my responsibilities demand it. And then I prayed and I felt the spirit moving me to be honest about how hard this is and to tell my friends. And so I did. And they stepped in and blessed my family and gave me room to breathe so I could figure out how to make the next best move for my mom. They showed me the truth of the teaching that says, “[God’s] strength is made perfect in our weakness.”

And so then in that space, I asked God what I could do differently for my mom. And in my soul’s language I heard, “Don’t miss her while she is still here. Because that’s what you’ve been doing. If you want to have different conversations with her, change the subject. Talk about the things that you wish you could talk to her about. If she misses it and repeats something else she just said, tell her you love her. Tell her your dreams and maybe she’ll get joy in knowing that she is a part of them. Have an unreasonable belief in miracles because you never know what might happen. And don’t forget, you are not in this alone.”

So if you are reading this, what my soul spoke into my life, I speak into yours. There are so many things in life that can distract us from the moments we are in–something to tempt us to forget that there is always the possibility of great beauty around the corner. In my weakness, I found strength in hitting my limits and reaching out. My hope is that in sharing what I am learning, it is blessing you all too.

With true love,

Pedro