You are enough
You can’t earn my Love.
To try to earn my Love is to deny My Presence.
I Am Love.
Let Me Be, with you.
Tag: God
Miss You While You’re Here
Lately I’ve been thinking about
All the moments that we missed
When we’re younger we think we have plenty of time
And don’t think about stuff like this
We put so much off until later
But what if later never comes?
All tomorrows repeats of yesterdays
The future setting like the sun
I’m not ready yet to miss you
When I know that you’re right here
There’s so much I wanted to give you
Before my chances disappeared
Now it hurts that we talk almost everyday
And yet we never talk at all
Or that I battle with all these tempting thoughts
Not to answer when you call
Of course I want to be here for you
But it seems this is always where we’ve been
You telling me about how hard it is
While I listen on the other end
I look back and feel like a failure
I wish I could’ve spared you from some pain
But the best I can do is be a witness
And pray for something else to change
I still have hope that you’ll get better
That perfect love will cast out fear
But for now I’ll be grateful for what we have
Because I don’t want to miss you while you’re here
© Copyright 2020 Pedro S. Silva II
I wrote this poem as I started to think about how many conversations I have with my mom are about how to make it from month to month. We talk everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. But rarely are our conversations about thing that I would like us to talk about. Because of all of the stress over the past few years, there has been a strain on the relationship. I’ll be honest and say that often I am acting like I am her parent rather than the other way around. I want her to be safe and make decisions for her well-being. I know how hard she tried to be whatever and whoever she felt she needed to be to make sure we survived growing up. That took a toll on her. And I know that she had huge dreams–most of which never got fulfilled. This is a wound in her heart.
She always told me that she wanted to leave my brothers and I with a legacy. What she meant was money. That hasn’t happened and it saddens her. She apologizes for not being in a better financial situation and asks me to believe in her that she can still pull it off. I want to believe, but… And now that I am witnessing her forgetting so much and yet still holding out hope for a miracle or for her “ship to come in” as she says, I feel a twinge of regret. I ask myself, “If I knew we were going to end up here anyway, what would I have done differently?”
At first, I told myself I would’ve stayed in the military so that I would have my retirement right now and I could be working another job to provide for her. But then I look at my wife and kids and know that I had to take the course I did. I then think that I should’ve chosen a more lucrative profession than being a pastor. But then, I was having a conversation with a guest at the church who is experiencing homelessness at the church and watching members of the congregation–to include children serving food and sitting with our homeless neighbors and I thought, “I am glad to be in this moment.” And then I thought, well maybe I was called to be a pastor for a season, but now that my mom needs me, I need to move on and do something else because my responsibilities demand it. And then I prayed and I felt the spirit moving me to be honest about how hard this is and to tell my friends. And so I did. And they stepped in and blessed my family and gave me room to breathe so I could figure out how to make the next best move for my mom. They showed me the truth of the teaching that says, “[God’s] strength is made perfect in our weakness.”
And so then in that space, I asked God what I could do differently for my mom. And in my soul’s language I heard, “Don’t miss her while she is still here. Because that’s what you’ve been doing. If you want to have different conversations with her, change the subject. Talk about the things that you wish you could talk to her about. If she misses it and repeats something else she just said, tell her you love her. Tell her your dreams and maybe she’ll get joy in knowing that she is a part of them. Have an unreasonable belief in miracles because you never know what might happen. And don’t forget, you are not in this alone.”
So if you are reading this, what my soul spoke into my life, I speak into yours. There are so many things in life that can distract us from the moments we are in–something to tempt us to forget that there is always the possibility of great beauty around the corner. In my weakness, I found strength in hitting my limits and reaching out. My hope is that in sharing what I am learning, it is blessing you all too.
With true love,
Pedro
Waking Up to You
Waking up to You is the why of my life
You are the Dream that stops my dreaming
You tell the Story of what many fear to know
And give every Word its truest meaning
You call to me to my deepest Self
By the Name only You can give
Whispering in so loud a voice
That gives the dead the choice to Live
Many of us say we know You
But Love says that that’s not true
Whenever we say You dwell in us
But can’t see our neighbor inside of You
Or when we make the least important things
The sandy ground of our foundations
Forsaking the Rock upon which You’ve built for us
The most enduring of habitations
We’re distracted by the attraction
Of getting more by giving less
We measure others by the scale of our selfishness
Then give ourselves credit when we confess
But despite all of this You love us
And that never shall decrease
Even when we deny Your Presence
By not seeing you in our least
And that’s the refining fire
You love us everywhere we go
Even when we use Your Name to tell our lies
And act like You don’t know
You are definitely some kind of amazing
I hope my soul can reach your standard
I give up my story that keeps me up at night
To awaken to Yours that’s so much grander.
© Copyright 2020 Pedro S. Silva II
Becoming My Father Figure
In a moment of self-reflection
I determined something sad
Perhaps I will never have a child
Until I become the father I never had
As a kid I’d approach different men
And ask if they had a son
If the answer they gave was ever “no”
I’d ask if I could be there one
Little boys need their fathers
I am a testament to that
I have spent my whole life chasing mine
And being how I thought he should act
I watched the rest of the “single mother crew”
Trying to find acceptance among our clan
But I didn’t want to be raised by kids
So I continued to pursue the Man
I had a grandpa who died when I was four
I had an uncle who was pretty cool
A guy named Chico who my mom once loved
And a couple of teachers from my school
They all had an impact on me
But it still was not enough
And though I still saw my real dad from time to time
I still needed a father’s love
So in every man I met
I looked for the best part I could find
I knew that all of them couldn’t make one dad
But part of them could be mine
So I guess you could say I’m blessed
That’s why I still pray for all my niggas
All of us who deep inside
Are still looking for our father figure
© Copyright 2019 Pedro S. Silva II
I wrote this poem almost 20 years ago—before I had my kids obviously. I came across it when looking for something in the garage. It was in a cardboard box next to my high school year book. For a moment I hesitated looking at them both. But lately, I have been thinking a lot about the presence of my father’s absence. You read that right—the presence of my father’s absence.
It is strange how we can feel someone’s distance. I felt my dad’s. Every time I found myself in a situation where I felt like I needed a dad, I could feel that my dad wasn’t there. And I imagine, that a lot of other boys in my situation felt that way too. And as men, I bet a lot of us still wrestle with that presence of absence.
Now that I have my own children, I cannot imagine intentionally being out of their lives. Still, I don’t blame my dad for not being able to be who I thought I needed. One reason I don’t blame him is because I know that I can’t judge him. First of all, what good would it do? Second of all, he must have been carrying something very painful to not have the capacity for fatherhood in the conventional sense.
To make up for the absence, I allowed the space to be filled with God and the Frankenstein father I created from the pieces I picked up–and am still picking up–along the way.
As I reflected on this and on who I experience myself as now, I like to think that everything that happened was perfect. And yet, I can’t help but wonder about those other people in my position who were never able to fill that absence—people who to this day long for what we’d hoped for in a father figure. I wonder and I pray that they become who they have always been looking for.
Unfathomable Love
If you knew how much I love you
This world would not exist
Yes, there’d be a world and you’d be there
But it would not look like this
Where you now see separation
Everything you’d see is One
All would shine as they are meant to shine
So there’d be no need for sun
War will have never been
Every tragedy has been abated
You encounter someone who’s not like you
And that fact is celebrated
There will be no calls for justice
Or the concept of “what is fair”
Since we’d all create what it is we love
And no one else would care
Family’s only meaning
Would be loving as you love you
And lies would have no place to be
Since every spoken word is true
The most beauty you’d ever witness
Will be wherever you choose to gaze
Songs of joy would never cease
Along with never ending praise
But you choose not to know I love you
Because you’ve chosen one concern
To decide who else I’m supposed to love
Based on what you think they earned
So instead of the world I gave you
You’ve created a distortion
Invented lack in abundant life
And tried to break it up in portions
Because I love you I haven’t stopped you
I trust eventually you’ll get it
Because you’re in time and I am not
I can see where this is headed
I am Love that knows no bounds
Wherever you hide I will be Present
For the world you’ve made where I don’t exist
I have hidden it in Heaven!
© Copyright 2019 Pedro S. Silva II
For Your Consideration
How can we choose God who we cannot see and reject our brothers and sisters who we can see?
This is the choice before us.
To love who we can accept or love who God loves.
Nothing can prepare us for the full revelation of God’s love.
It is an undoing love that sets souls free.
God, undo us. Remove the chains that bind us to the false self,so that our true self can emerge.
Nothing can prepare us for the awareness that God fully loves all—even those we would not choose to love.
Choosing God is choosing all of God’s children.
It is choosing ourselves. May we choose wisely. Amen.
Death Is Not a Failure
We all succeed at dying
One way or the other
Despite the value we place on holding it back
We have this in common with one another
Even Jesus couldn’t escape it
Though we say it’s a revolving door
He begged if the cup of death could pass
How much less should we implore?
For the living’s only reality
Is to live, and be, and move
Death appearing a contradiction
What can we gain
For all we lose?
Yet, Death is not an ending
Not a new beginning or a door
Nor does it ever take from us
Or give the peace we’re longing for
All we think it is it isn’t
Because we lack the point of view
To see it for what it really is,
We need a different mind to see it through.
One not born through separation
One complete in its perception
One that sees all things for what they are
Present wholeness without rejection
Such a mind must not fear death
In fact it’s grateful for its inclusion
For the only Death there ever is
Is the Death of our illusions
© Copyright 2018 Pedro S. Silva II
Stillness Speaks
Out of the stillness emerges the Voice that calls us each by our true name
And every name is Beloved
Mistaken identities are replaced
Forgotten callings are restored
The darkness that hinders light is broken through
And what is revealed makes all things new
Peace has always reigned
On the surface waves are crashing, but they are held up by still waters.
© Copyright 2018 Pedro S. Silva II
Maker in the Middle
In the center of all things
Is the One Who is All
From the infinitely large
To the infinitely small
Nowhere not the center
Even that which you call edge
Split the atom and there is fullness
There’s no space that you can hedge
There is no private matter
As far as matter is concerned
In fact matter doesn’t matter
Once it’s spiritually discerned
Reality is Oneness
This thought called two has never been
It’s the illusion of separation
Denying the truth of what’s within
We live, move, and have our being
In the One Place all things Be
Once we receive the “I” that sees this
There’s nothing ever more to see
© Copyright 2018 Pedro S. Silva II
How Close is God?
Like there’s a tree in the seed
There is God within me
The Unseen is clearly seen
When the love of Christ has set us free
Just as the drops that make the Ocean
Are full of all the Ocean is
So when we pour out who we are
We are receiving what we give
There is nowhere God is not
To include the reflection that we see
Closer than we could ever imagine
In every breath we ever breathe
© Copyright 2018 Pedro S. Silva II
Repairers of the Breach
There is nowhere God is not
Even in what doesn’t last
God gives all things a future
And is not shackled by the past
In our weakness strength is known
And through it we know each other
So through it we are all made One
Each a sister and a brother
So let us see our humanness
Through the eyes of the One who made it
That we might be repairers of the breach
For the world we’ve co-Created
© Copyright 2018 Pedro S. Silva II