Category: Wholeness

Surviving Heartbreak

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Day 104 of 365

You finally gave your heart away
The recipient returned to sender
Now you don’t want to ever hurt again
So you’re incapable of surrender
You barely survived the heartbreak
You say you can’t do it again
But if you don’t keep putting your heart at risk
Love will never win
I know it’s a dilemma
I’ve known that pain myself
If the first person thought I was not enough
How can I ever trust someone else?
There’s some validity to that logic
No one wants to suffer
But putting ourselves out there despite the risk
Is how we find each other
Besides holding back doesn’t hurt the one
Who caused you so much pain
In the end you only hurt yourself
By not giving your heart to gain
You see every time you survive a heartbreak
Then get back in the saddle
You’re secretly becoming more like God
Whose Love will never lose a battle
Didn’t you know that while God’s watching us
God’s heart is always breaking
But Love always comes in and fills the gaps
In the midst of our forsaking
Imagine if most of your children
Lie and say they love you
But take the gifts you have to them
And put those very things above you
You try to teach them to use them wisely
They push you away and will not listen
Only thinking of themselves as usual
They take what’s One and cause division
So you send them Love’s instructors
But they won’t listen to them either
Instead they ignore or murder them
Then label them deceiver
Or worse they pretend to worship them
In order to make them something special
And when they fail to live like them
They blame it on the Devil
Any excuse that they can think of
To do what they want to do
Their only goal is simply to feel they’re right
To justify ignoring you
Meanwhile your heart is breaking
You feel like you’ll die inside
But you surrender because you know the Truth
And instantly you’re more alive
It’s the Mystery of the Heartbreak
By giving your Love you will get more
For Love is the gift that you received
That by faith is always restored

Image by Jakob Rosen on Unsplash

What Do You Mean By “What Do I Mean?“

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I really don’t get it
When liars get mad at being lied to
Bending truth like a pretzel
But cry “foul” when others tried too
I’m totally confused
By cheaters who hate a cheater
Their tragedy is a comedy
All of the drama but no theater
I have no time for manipulators
Who hate being controlled
I’m past your passive aggression
You can’t imagine the heavy toll
And polite people are perplexing
I’d rather be kind than nice
Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear
Because in time there is a price
And the “Holier than thou”,
Who are you trying to convince?
God sees your thoughts and so do I
So you can cut it with pretense
And I can’t forget emotional martyrs
Who find joy every time they suffer
Feeling good is like a full assault
From which they always have a buffer
Then there’s the guilty for feeling guilty
The ashamed of feeling shame
The people who say “I’m bored” so much
You’d think it was their name
There’re those who give advice
They never seem to take
And the ones who always “keep it real”
By being really fake
Every kind of reactive being
Whose heads are such a mess
But act like they have the whole thing down
But when confronted won’t confess
I can’t tell if they’re pretending
Or if they know not what they do
All I know is if I’m “too direct”
They say “Something‘s wrong with you”
If I say exactly what I mean
They ask “What do you mean by that?”
If I actually answer what they have asked
They say, “You’re too serious with all your facts.”
If I have no opinion on certain things
Because I have never explored them
They proclaim “experience-less expertise”
But are offended if I ignore them
They get angry if I talk calmly
Saying, “You don’t have any feelings.”
Little things can throw them off
They want my thoughts while they’re concealing
They are killers afraid of dying
Committing murder with their mouths
Always seeking clemency
But won’t give benefit of the doubt
And yet, I’m the one they call divergent
Because I’m slow to pick up norms
Discovering life as it shows up
Instead of aiming to conform
It’s enough to make me crazy
But I’m not trying to be neurotic
I refuse to believe it’s normalcy
To use emotions like narcotics
However this is what I witness
In the way that folks react
Feeling their way through unseen worlds
Then crashing like trains that go off track
But when confronted about their behavior
They cry and say, “I didn’t mean it.”
It’s like having your cake and eating it too
Now isn’t that convenient?

Reactive or Creative

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I noticed something the other day
That I can’t get out of my head
If you move the “c” up to the front
Reactive spells creative instead
I wondered if it was intentional
Did the makers of the language know
Was it a clue for those who seek the Way
To maintain a Life in Flow?
They say, “Be creative, not reactive
Or at least reactively creative
This is the Way of wondering ones
For whom the Way of Flow is Native
Embrace the Mystery
Be present with The Presence
Instead of being pushed and pulled
Make movements from your Essence”
Or perhaps it’s just a coincidence
Onto which I’m projecting meaning
Maybe reaction is creation too
Even when it isn’t seeming
I’ll possibly never know for certain
But still I have the choice
To choose Reaction or Creation
In how I use my voice

Photo by Kiana Bosman on Unsplash
Instagram @kiana.bosman

A Cloak of Shadows

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We all entered this given world
Shining ever so brightly
Until we were handed a cloak of shadows
And were taught to take our shining lightly
The shadow cloaks that we are given
Are all different, but the same
Put on by people who we’re born to trust
But started lying with our name
They called us a moniker we didn’t choose
That made them feel a certain way
Perhaps a projection of someone’s past
That we’re expected to display
Rather than get to know us
And discover who we are
They tell us who we’re supposed to be
And complain if we stray far
But it’s not that I’m trying to blame them
They did what they knew to do
Because before they projected onto us
They were cloaked in shadows too
They too were forced into a box
Aimed to maintain society
They believed the lies that were told to them
Before they ever lied to me
Some were told the lie that they were best
When compared to other people
While some were told that they are worst
And must forever work at achieving equal
But, both these states are lies
There’s no one above or below another
And the truth is there’s no shadow here
That another’s light cannot uncover
You see all of us were meant to shine
So that this world won’t be in dark
And each of us has the work to do
Of dissolving shadows with our spark
In so doing we don’t just free ourselves
We free all who came before
Until the world is filled with shining lights
Who wear shadow cloaks no more

Photo by Sunny Tank on scop.io

To My Unborn Baby

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Before I ever met you
I knew I’d never forget you
I spend everyday of my life
Thinking of ways that I could protect you
That’s probably why you aren’t here yet
This world is nowhere near yet
I’m still trying to make it safe
So that you will never have to fear that
You could be abandoned
In this place that you have landed
I want to give you a better world
Than the one that I was handed
I never want to hurt you
That’s why I intend to nurture
All your hopes and dreams
Just so you can learn to
Be your own man
Or be your own woman
Just don’t let up on this world
Always keep it coming
Show them what you stand for
Tell them you demand more
Just in case I don’t finish
It is you that I made this plan for
This is just contingent
If I can’t do all that I mention
You will know that I was trying
And that I had the best intentions
But this world is full of doubters
Who have a tendency to cry louder
So yell at the top of your lungs
If they can’t see that you have power
This is also your planet
You should share, but don’t just hand it
Give as well as receive
So that you can achieve balance
Learn from my mistakes
So that you won’t have to make them
If you’re offered a lot of promises
Learn when and when not to take them
If you find yourself in error
Learn and keep on moving
Never pretend to be winning
For it is then that you are losing
Your friends are your reflection
They’re here for your protection
But they will become a part of you
So be wise in you connections
Remember that we are precious
People may get jealous
But they really just want to live like us
Although they may never tell us
So stay confident in what you’re doing
Live the dreams that you’re pursuing
And do them honestly
So you will never see them ruined
Well these are just some word from a Dad
That you may or may never have
Who before he ever met you
Saw you as the greatest gift he ever had

Photo by Mustafa Omar

Written before my children were born. But both of my daughters show in the world as if they read the poem before they got here.

Lies Hurt

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Do we say, “the Truth hurts”,
Because we’re all a bunch of liars?
100 percent smoke
Zero percent fire
Addicted to desire
And other folks approval
Saying what they want
Is business as usual.
Programmed by patterns
Like an algorithm
Access to knowledge
But we’re lacking wisdom
Can’t make decisions
Because we’re scared to see clearly
That what we want to be real
Is actually nowhere nearly
We’re scared out of our wits
Because we know we’re dying
So we pay for distractions
Even if we know they’re lying
And there’s no denying
But it’s all we do
Because we’re afraid to be hurt
By the One and only thing that’s true.

© Copyright 2022 Pedro S. Silva II

Desparation

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If I had a dollar for every time we say, 

“If I had a dollar”

I’d have enough

To never even bother

I’d buy a private island

In a land faraway 

Take every single dollar

And give it all away

I’d be the poorest and the richest

And no one else would know

Buried my treasure in the sand

To see if it grows

Then in a state of desperation

For all that I have lost

I will hold myself for ransom

To see how much I cost

We weren’t born for this 

But still we do it daily

We let the world we created

Drive us crazy

“I choose the lie over life

Believing it will save me”

Is the thought

Of the emotionally lazy

You’ve been lied to

How is it possible you can’t see this?

It wasn’t God

Who created us to be this

To the One we are Beloved

It’s our Name from the Beginning

It’s believing otherwise

That’s the Genesis of sinning

Desperation

How did we get this way?

It defeats the very purpose

Every time we try to pray

I can’t stand it

How many times can we be told?

You can’t serve two masters

And the worst of them is gold

©️ Copyright 2021 Pedro S. Silva II

Miss You While You’re Here

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Lately I’ve been thinking about
All the moments that we missed
When we’re younger we think we have plenty of time
And don’t think about stuff like this

We put so much off until later
But what if later never comes?
All tomorrows repeats of yesterdays
The future setting like the sun

I’m not ready yet to miss you
When I know that you’re right here
There’s so much I wanted to give you
Before my chances disappeared

Now it hurts that we talk almost everyday
And yet we never talk at all
Or that I battle with all these tempting thoughts
Not to answer when you call

Of course I want to be here for you
But it seems this is always where we’ve been
You telling me about how hard it is
While I listen on the other end

I look back and feel like a failure
I wish I could’ve spared you from some pain
But the best I can do is be a witness
And pray for something else to change

I still have hope that you’ll get better
That perfect love will cast out fear
But for now I’ll be grateful for what we have
Because I don’t want to miss you while you’re here
© Copyright 2020 Pedro S. Silva II

I wrote this poem as I started to think about how many conversations I have with my mom are about how to make it from month to month. We talk everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. But rarely are our conversations about thing that I would like us to talk about. Because of all of the stress over the past few years, there has been a strain on the relationship. I’ll be honest and say that often I am acting like I am her parent rather than the other way around. I want her to be safe and make decisions for her well-being. I know how hard she tried to be whatever and whoever she felt she needed to be to make sure we survived growing up. That took a toll on her. And I know that she had huge dreams–most of which never got fulfilled. This is a wound in her heart.

She always told me that she wanted to leave my brothers and I with a legacy. What she meant was money. That hasn’t happened and it saddens her. She apologizes for not being in a better financial situation and asks me to believe in her that she can still pull it off. I want to believe, but… And now that I am witnessing her forgetting so much and yet still holding out hope for a miracle or for her “ship to come in” as she says, I feel a twinge of regret.  I ask myself, “If I knew we were going to end up here anyway, what would I have done differently?”

At first, I told myself I would’ve stayed in the military so that I would have my retirement right now and I could be working another job to provide for her. But then I look at my wife and kids and know that I had to take the course I did.  I then think that I should’ve chosen a more lucrative profession than being a pastor. But then, I was having a conversation with a guest at the church who is experiencing homelessness and watching members of the congregation–to include children–serving food and sitting with our homeless neighbors and I thought, “I am glad to be in this moment.” And then I thought, well maybe I was called to be a pastor for a season, but now that my mom needs me, I need to move on and do something else because my responsibilities demand it. And then I prayed and I felt the spirit moving me to be honest about how hard this is and to tell my friends. And so I did. And they stepped in and blessed my family and gave me room to breathe so I could figure out how to make the next best move for my mom. They showed me the truth of the teaching that says, “[God’s] strength is made perfect in our weakness.”

And so then in that space, I asked God what I could do differently for my mom. And in my soul’s language I heard, “Don’t miss her while she is still here. Because that’s what you’ve been doing. If you want to have different conversations with her, change the subject. Talk about the things that you wish you could talk to her about. If she misses it and repeats something else she just said, tell her you love her. Tell her your dreams and maybe she’ll get joy in knowing that she is a part of them. Have an unreasonable belief in miracles because you never know what might happen. And don’t forget, you are not in this alone.”

So if you are reading this, what my soul spoke into my life, I speak into yours. There are so many things in life that can distract us from the moments we are in–something to tempt us to forget that there is always the possibility of great beauty around the corner. In my weakness, I found strength in hitting my limits and reaching out. My hope is that in sharing what I am learning, it is blessing you all too.

With true love,

Pedro

Waking Up to You

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Waking up to You is the why of my life
You are the Dream that stops my dreaming
You tell the Story of what many fear to know
And give every Word its truest meaning

You call to me to my deepest Self
By the Name only You can give
Whispering in so loud a voice
That gives the dead the choice to Live

Many of us say we know You
But Love says that that’s not true
Whenever we say You dwell in us
But can’t see our neighbor inside of You

Or when we make the least important things
The sandy ground of our foundations
Forsaking the Rock upon which You’ve built for us
The most enduring of habitations

We’re distracted by the attraction
Of getting more by giving less
We measure others by the scale of our selfishness
Then give ourselves credit when we confess

But despite all of this You love us
And that never shall decrease
Even when we deny Your Presence
By not seeing you in our least

And that’s the refining fire
You love us everywhere we go
Even when we use Your Name to tell our lies
And act like You don’t know

You are definitely some kind of amazing
I hope my soul can reach your standard
I give up my story that keeps me up at night
To awaken to Yours that’s so much grander.

© Copyright 2020 Pedro S. Silva II

Me

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Emerging from Nowhere
Participating in everything
Desiring Nothing
I walk Alone
With everyone