Tag: Life

Everything Always Forever

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NOTE: This piece was originally posted on my Substack where the majority of my writing lives right now.

Beginnings, Endings, and Beginning Again Again

Imagine if everything lasted forever.

Not just some things. Everything.

Imagine a reality where there was no death, no degradation, nothing that truly wore out or disappeared. Things might change form. They might appear and disappear from view. They might grow, contract, expand, transform, or reinvent themselves. But nothing would actually come to an end. And from a place of focused consciousness, you can “revisit” or “re-present” any point in an infinitude of moments.

How would we live in a world like that?

And what if I told you that I think we already live in a world like that? Could you imagine that?

Well for most of my life, I haven’t experienced time in quite the same way that many people have described it to me. What I experience is not a sequence of things that arise and then vanish, but an ongoing expression of something that is always here. Things appear new, but they never feel separate from what came before. Everything feels simultaneously ancient and freshly born.

I know that may be difficult to fathom.

Truthfully, I’ve often found it just as difficult to understand why so many people experience reality primarily through the lens of the fear of endings. Perhaps it has something to do with what the writer of Hebrews was pointing toward when he suggested that humanity remains in bondage because of the fear of death (Hebrews 2:14-15). If you’ve read my work before, you’ve probably encountered my references to Ernest Becker and his exploration of death denial. Becker argued that much of human behavior is organized around avoiding our awareness of mortality. Later thinkers expanded that idea into what is now called Terror Management Theory.

But I don’t really want to revisit all of that today. What I want to talk about is time. Or perhaps more accurately, I want to talk about the possibility that time is not what we think it is. The closest analogy I can find is an infinitely foldable sheet of paper.

Every Single Thing Is Folding In On Everything Else

Imagine taking a single sheet of paper infinite in size and dimensions and folding it over itself again and again, like an accordion. Peaks touch troughs. Distant points suddenly become neighbors. What appears separated from one perspective becomes intimately connected from another. Each fold becomes a moment. Each peak or valley appears isolated when viewed from inside the fold. Yet every fold belongs to the same sheet. Every moment belongs to the same reality.

The moment we are focused upon becomes the center of our experience, but that doesn’t make it separate from everything else. That may not be the perfect metaphor, but it comes close to describing how I experience life.

There are moments when I experience myself as an infant again—not remembering myself as an infant, but somehow inhabiting that perspective. Other moments, I am elderly. Sometimes I am standing in the imagination of my own deathbed. Then I am young again.

The continuity we call “my life” often feels less like a linear progression and more like a temporary arrangement of attention. It’s as though consciousness is constantly moving its spotlight. When the spotlight rests somewhere, that becomes “now.” When it moves, another now appears.

The Twists and Turns Are the Point

If the paper description You stand in line knowing the ride is safe. You watch other people get on and off. Intellectually, you understand that you’re fine.

Then the ride begins.

The drops come.

The loops come.

The twists come.

And for a few moments, you forget.

You feel fear, excitement, anticipation, wonder. Then the ride ends, and almost immediately most people want to get back in line. Why? Because the feelings were the point. And, I can’t help but trust that life works much the same way.

We create countless experiences, relationships, identities, conflicts, triumphs, losses, and reunions. We generate the appearance of distance from ourselves, from one another, and perhaps even from God. But all of it serves the experience.

All of it belongs to the same ride.

All of it belongs to the same infinite sheet–or maybe I should call it a field like so many others have. But, I like the idea of a sheet of paper because we can also inscribe upon it whatever experience we desire.

When we focus narrowly, we experience isolated moments. When we widen our awareness, we see that everything is touching everything else.

It is like standing in a valley versus standing on a mountaintop. From the valley, your vision is limited. You can only see what appears immediately around you. From the mountaintop, you see the entire landscape at once. Nothing changed except your perspective. The landscape was always there.

The God’s Eye View

In some corners of physics, we say that frequency and time have an inverse relationship. I learned this when I was a satellite communication technician. The faster the frequency, the shorter the interval. Push that principle far enough and you approach something like timelessness. That’s a reality in which everything exists simultaneously. It’s basically the way C.S. Lewis describes what he imagined to be God’s perspective of reality. He also liked the paper analogy by the way.

So, before you freak out that I might be suggesting that I see the world from God’s perspective, consider a couple of things. One, C.S. Lewis described what he believed was God’s perspective from the vantage point of C. S. Lewis’ very own perspective. So, at worst, I am doing the same thing. But the second thing anyone who has a problem with me talking like this should ask is, whose perspective would the person disturbed by my description be evaluating it from? Their idea of God’s perspective? Their own?

Do you see where I am going with all of this. All perspectives exist everywhere all the time right now and we all have access to them all if we so choose to look at it all from an elevated view.

Nothing is emerging. Nothing is arriving. Nothing is becoming. Everything simply always is forever now. You know it. I know it. We are it. But, when we are on the self chosen roller coaster we forget so that we can enjoy everything the ride has to offer.

That is why life seems to oscillate between forgetting and remembering. Forgetting and remembering. Forgetting and remembering. It is like inhaling and exhaling. Each breath not only feels new, it is new. And, yet every breath belongs to the same life. In the same way, each life feels separate, yet perhaps every life belongs to the same to the One Life of which we are all expressions.

All Is Revealed Outside of Time

This morning, I wrote a song called Too Good, Too True. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I picked the song just like one picks a ripe piece of fruit. The song arrived almost instantly because the words have always existed. My role wasn’t to invent them so much as to become present enough to hear them and willing enough to share them. That may sound strange, but I suspect every artist, inventor, scientist, and dreamer knows something about this experience.

If you’ve seen the new Michael Jackson biopic, you know that Michael expressed something similar when he said that he had to be available to receive a song or God was going to give the song to Prince.

The song was there. I simply tuned into it. The same is true of every creation.

Every song.

Every poem.

Every invention.

Every painting.

Every possibility.

Everything that has existed, will exist, or could have existed already resides within the infinite field of what is. From this way of experiencing life, Creation may be less about manufacturing something new and more about entering into relationship with something waiting to be chosen.

That reminds me of a story often told about Michael Jackson. During the making of the film Michael, he joked that if he didn’t receive a song, it might go to Prince instead.

I resonated with the frequency of Too Good, Too True, from a place of appreciation. My youngest daughter and I had just gone to see the Masters of the Universe movie–another nostalgia inducing flick like the MJ movie that aligned me with my child expression. The fold of what we could call the past and the present touched and I could see the whole landscape of this life as Pedro Senhorinha Silva and how all of it was working together for me to experience the joys of my relationships with my wife and kids. And when I connected to that, I thought about how many lives I would be willing to live to experience little moments with my family. And the answer is infinite lives.

The song speaks from the perspective of a love that can never actually lose what it loves. A love that creates distance only so reunion can occur. A love that asks, “Do you love me too?” even while already knowing the answer. A love that returns ten thousand times because there was never anywhere else to go.

When I wrote:

“Even if it takes me ten thousand lives,
I’ll keep coming back for you…”

I am not just talking about romantic love.

I am talking about every relationship.

I am talking about humanity and God.

I am talking about self and Self.

I am talking about enemies who eventually become friends.

I am talking about the universe continually rediscovering itself through every form it takes.

That’s why I ended the song with:

“So know that what’s loved
Never comes to an end.
Lovers, enemies, friends,
Then begin again.”

Maybe that is what all of this is. A beginning that never ends. An ending that never quite finishes. What some have described as an infinite game of hide-and-seek in which the seeker and the sought are the same being. We create time so that reunion can happen. We create distance so that closeness can be felt. We create forgetting so that remembering can be ecstatic. And every once in a while, through a song, a conversation, a sunrise, a heartbreak, or a moment of stillness, we catch a glimpse of what has been true all along.

There is no ultimate separation. There never was. There is only the endless joy of finding one another again.

Everything.

Always.

Forever.

Too Good, Too True

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

Even though there’s no space between

I create distance so I can dream

Of finding you

And reminding you

That you are mine

And I belong to you

This song’s for you

This universe is too

I can’t lie to you

Even though we’re always here

I push you away to draw you near

Love casts out fear

Separation disappears

Now it’s clear

Shed no more tears

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

Forgive me if I’ve gone too far

I always know where you are

Like the brightest star

You’re never not in view

Only eyes for you

Can you see me too?

I need you to

Can you see now that

You are my heart

It beats for you

I breathe for you

I see through you

No me, no you

Know me, know you

This is what we do

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

So know that what’s loved

Never comes to an end

Lovers, enemies, friends

Then begin again

There is no sin

When you aim to win

Even if it takes me 10,000 lives

I’ll keep coming back for you

Mmm hmmm

Try and fail 10,000 times

I will just keep asking you

Do you love me too?

Though I know you do

Too Good too True

I found you again

Too Good Too True

Deafening Silence

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This is an invitation to look at everything around us as consciousness trying to emerge through us so that we can accelerate our relational evolution. I cannot pretend like that there is not a loving force that is working through the best and worst in each of us to wake us up so we can see both the forest and the trees and neither the forest or the trees. I’m not suggesting that I am fully awake all of the time. But my alarm clock is hella loud and goes off pretty frequently. And when I am awake, I see that we are often only seeing one side of the tip of the iceberg, when there is a whole other side as well as everything underneath and the ocean within which the iceberg floats, and the land that contains the oceans and so much more. All this to say, none of us gets all of everything about anything. And this is why we need to break through after this breakdown. Not all of us. But some of us have to take the hits and not hit back unless it forwards individual and collective liberation. In that case get to smacking. But only smack (figuratively) in love.

Deafening Silence
___________________

Silence is not violence.

These words just rhyme

Violence is violence 

And we see it all the time

Some of us say nothing 

For a whole lot of reasons

Some because we’re cowards 

Some because our words are out of season

And there’s a whole other reason

For our unspoken ploys 

When everyone is screaming 

We choose not to add to the noise

Instead we align with true peace

Working from the inside out

So that a single sentence can break through

The din of 10 million shouts

It’s a strategy too uncommon

But often the only one that works

Because the source of all the turmoil 

Is often a battle of hurts versus hurts

Hurt People hurt people

Healed people heal

So the best we can do for all of us

Is to master how we feel

Controlled by our emotions

The good we mean to do’s distorted 

Our goal is to bring about a better world

But our methods are contorted

Pain cannot undo one’s pain

Though it may keep it at bay

But this is only temporary

The pendulum will always swing the other way

And when it does, there will be a backlash

This is always the way it goes

Like peaks and troughs in an ocean

This is just the way it flows

It will be no other way

No matter how hard we try

Because just like if you try to push a wave

You efforts will always be denied

But do not be discouraged

Just pay attention to the patterns

In time you will be able to anticipate

The unfolding of all that matters

And once you see it, you can’t unsee it

The only response is to surrender

Accept your best was never good enough

So that a better way can enter

A Way that that acts from Stillness

That speaks from the cataclysmic Sound of Silence

The Undoing that undoes all that humans contrived

Until there is no such thing as violence

© Copyright 2025 Pedro Senhorinha Silva

The Cost of Discipleship

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When I feel like I don’t deserve what’s coming
I get tempted to run away
Often I make it to the door
But 95 percent of the time I stay
The reason isn’t because I’ve gained some clarity
Or feel like I should be a screen for folk’s projection
It’s because I know that he didn’t run away
Which created the path to resurrection
All of us have been crucified before
It makes sense to want to escape it
But the power that’s on the other side
Only comes when we choose to face it
That doesn’t mean that you should be a victim
Or try to keep your abusers near
It simply means that only perfect love
Can cast out the toxicity of fear
You see this Universe has a crazy way
Of calling up what causes revulsion
Through a process that rarely goes away
It’s called repetition compulsion
That means even when we’ve been hurt before
We keep the patterns in our life
With the hope that one day we’ll learn the lesson
And handle the situation right
But that’s a peculiar kind of insanity
That makes us become what it is we hate
In a backwards way of trying to save ourselves
From the behavior that becomes our fate
That’s why I’d rather wind up dead sometimes
Than become what tried to destroy me
Efforting to cast out all my cares
So that the Creator can employ me
To most this sounds like a justification
Or an extreme version of denial
But to me I can’t return to innocence
If I never go on trial

© Copyright 2024 Pedro Senhorinha Silva

Shot to the Heart

What if bullets are just proxy tears
For people afraid of crying

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What if bullets are just proxy tears
For people afraid of crying
Expressing emotions they can’t control
That result in other people dying
What if bombs are actually heart attacks
Of those too tender to unload
That finally when it all comes out
They cause a radius to explode
What if nukes are really suicide
For people scared to die
Who threaten to destroy the entire world
Rather than face what they can’t hide
That they’re secure in insecurity
Spreading the virus of toxic shame
Because they’re drowning within finitudes
Of all they stole to gain

Image by 愚木混株 on Unsplash.com

Caveat: I know that this line of questioning and poetry may bother some people. That is not my intent. If you know me, you can trust me on that. And check in if it is really charging you. If you don’t, I hope you have a support system that can serve you.

To Be: The Real You

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The truth is they won’t accept you
Because you won’t accept that you’re accepted
You remind them of the lies they told
Because you reflect what they projected
The denial of your existence
Protects identities that don’t exist
And now you want to be like them
What part of the message did you miss?
Who you are before you’re born
Is more true than you can know
When you let someone tell you who you are
Who has no power to make it so
That’s why I live and keep on living
Without the dream of keeping score
Knowing absence from the body
Is Presence with the Lord
And by “Presence with the Lord”,
I mean I Am Presence too
Because the One You Are when You’re with God
Can never be taken away from You

Lies Hurt

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Do we say, “the Truth hurts”,
Because we’re all a bunch of liars?
100 percent smoke
Zero percent fire
Addicted to desire
And other folks approval
Saying what they want
Is business as usual.
Programmed by patterns
Like an algorithm
Access to knowledge
But we’re lacking wisdom
Can’t make decisions
Because we’re scared to see clearly
That what we want to be real
Is actually nowhere nearly
We’re scared out of our wits
Because we know we’re dying
So we pay for distractions
Even if we know they’re lying
And there’s no denying
But it’s all we do
Because we’re afraid to be hurt
By the One and only thing that’s true.

© Copyright 2022 Pedro S. Silva II

Moments After Martyrdom

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You’re about to die for the cause you believed in,
But you can’t decide if it’s an honor or a tragedy.
As you look into the faces of those who surround you,
It is difficult to remember who is friend or foe.
Didn’t you see this coming?
You know it could’ve been avoided
But the momentum was too strong
It’s kind of like being caught in an undertow.
You were tired anyway
So, tempted by the thought of rest, you surrendered.
But as the light fades and voices begin to muffle,
You start to wonder if you might survive.
Wouldn’t that be a story to tell?
Something the cause could leverage
And seal your message as one with Divine Authority.
Because the truth never dies. 
But, then a metal like taste coming from within 
Confirms what you know.
You are dying.
And once you accept that, everything changes.
You don’t perceive the way you used to.
Eyes are everywhere.
Ears are everywhere.
Taste and touch are everywhere.
And you see everything as it is.
As if you are on the inside and the outside of everything,
There are no distinctions between your inhalations and exhalations.
And then everything stops but your consciousness.
You wonder how you’re here and nowhere at once.
And then you rise and expand at the same time
Like a balloon floating upward as it’s being filled.
Are there limits to your expansion
Or the heights that you might go?
Living this question is what made you who you were.
It was why you said what you said.
It was why you did what you did.
And it got you killed.
Or did it give birth to the reality of who you are—
Who we all are and who we could be?
And then you stop expanding
Is this finally the end? Or is it the beginning?
It is both. It is neither.
And when your last breath is as pure as your first,
In returns to in and out returns to out
Then, an existential popping sound.
It reverberates throughout all of Creation.
Now you have a choice.
Give birth to the you who will die for what you will believe in,
Change your mind and hold your breath,
Or live as the You who cannot die?
And then you remember why you decided what you will decide.
Whoever saves their life will lose it.
But whoever loses their life will find true Life.
This is the cup that was passed to you.
This is the cup you drank from.
This is when you decide that no one can take your life.
You will give it freely.
And so you descend. 
And so you contract.
Time collapses.
And you remember why you will choose to come here.
You will not die for a lie.
You will live what is eternally true
No matter how many times it takes
To be truly born again.

© Copyright 2021 Pedro S. Silva II

Miss You While You’re Here

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Lately I’ve been thinking about
All the moments that we missed
When we’re younger we think we have plenty of time
And don’t think about stuff like this

We put so much off until later
But what if later never comes?
All tomorrows repeats of yesterdays
The future setting like the sun

I’m not ready yet to miss you
When I know that you’re right here
There’s so much I wanted to give you
Before my chances disappeared

Now it hurts that we talk almost everyday
And yet we never talk at all
Or that I battle with all these tempting thoughts
Not to answer when you call

Of course I want to be here for you
But it seems this is always where we’ve been
You telling me about how hard it is
While I listen on the other end

I look back and feel like a failure
I wish I could’ve spared you from some pain
But the best I can do is be a witness
And pray for something else to change

I still have hope that you’ll get better
That perfect love will cast out fear
But for now I’ll be grateful for what we have
Because I don’t want to miss you while you’re here
© Copyright 2020 Pedro S. Silva II

I wrote this poem as I started to think about how many conversations I have with my mom are about how to make it from month to month. We talk everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. But rarely are our conversations about thing that I would like us to talk about. Because of all of the stress over the past few years, there has been a strain on the relationship. I’ll be honest and say that often I am acting like I am her parent rather than the other way around. I want her to be safe and make decisions for her well-being. I know how hard she tried to be whatever and whoever she felt she needed to be to make sure we survived growing up. That took a toll on her. And I know that she had huge dreams–most of which never got fulfilled. This is a wound in her heart.

She always told me that she wanted to leave my brothers and I with a legacy. What she meant was money. That hasn’t happened and it saddens her. She apologizes for not being in a better financial situation and asks me to believe in her that she can still pull it off. I want to believe, but… And now that I am witnessing her forgetting so much and yet still holding out hope for a miracle or for her “ship to come in” as she says, I feel a twinge of regret.  I ask myself, “If I knew we were going to end up here anyway, what would I have done differently?”

At first, I told myself I would’ve stayed in the military so that I would have my retirement right now and I could be working another job to provide for her. But then I look at my wife and kids and know that I had to take the course I did.  I then think that I should’ve chosen a more lucrative profession than being a pastor. But then, I was having a conversation with a guest at the church who is experiencing homelessness and watching members of the congregation–to include children–serving food and sitting with our homeless neighbors and I thought, “I am glad to be in this moment.” And then I thought, well maybe I was called to be a pastor for a season, but now that my mom needs me, I need to move on and do something else because my responsibilities demand it. And then I prayed and I felt the spirit moving me to be honest about how hard this is and to tell my friends. And so I did. And they stepped in and blessed my family and gave me room to breathe so I could figure out how to make the next best move for my mom. They showed me the truth of the teaching that says, “[God’s] strength is made perfect in our weakness.”

And so then in that space, I asked God what I could do differently for my mom. And in my soul’s language I heard, “Don’t miss her while she is still here. Because that’s what you’ve been doing. If you want to have different conversations with her, change the subject. Talk about the things that you wish you could talk to her about. If she misses it and repeats something else she just said, tell her you love her. Tell her your dreams and maybe she’ll get joy in knowing that she is a part of them. Have an unreasonable belief in miracles because you never know what might happen. And don’t forget, you are not in this alone.”

So if you are reading this, what my soul spoke into my life, I speak into yours. There are so many things in life that can distract us from the moments we are in–something to tempt us to forget that there is always the possibility of great beauty around the corner. In my weakness, I found strength in hitting my limits and reaching out. My hope is that in sharing what I am learning, it is blessing you all too.

With true love,

Pedro

A Friend In Need

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They say a friend in need is a friend indeed
Or is it a friend in deed
Meaning a friend is one who acts as one
When another friend’s in need

Or maybe it’s the former one
We’re friends when we’re in want
But otherwise we give no others thought
Just to make it blunt

But perhaps it is more gray than that
Which makes it difficult to name
Because where self-sufficiency is idolized
To be in need is to be shamed

It’s really hard to put my finger on
As I examine my condition
When I’m aware enough to know I should ask for help
But won’t fully give myself permission

On one side, it’s because I don’t want help
I have learned so much from all my failing
But on the other side, I know that there’s sufficient grace
For those of us prone to self-assailing

Furthermore when I’m on the giving end
I always do what I can do
But when I’m on the receiving end
I do my best to just push through

But presently I am torn
This uphill battle seems unending
I could keep on trying to handle this
But in reality I’m pretending

I’ve always been good at holding burdens
But now my burdens are holding me
As I consider that I’m just a request away
From a space that feels more free

Well, if anything, there’s a lesson
These constraints I feel won’t last
And it matters little if I hear “yes” or “no”
Things will get better because I asked

© Copyright 2020 Pedro S. Silva II

I wrote this poem after wrestling with my thoughts about whether or not I should share a fundraiser I created for my mother to help ease some of the financial impact of her pending move.  This season has been really tender for me for a lot of reasons. Besides watching my mother succumb to the effects of a lifetime of stress and anxiety, trying to keep this pressure to myself has taken its toll on me and my family, both emotionally and financially. But it’s not all bad. This also has been a very creative season for me as I’ve tried to make sense of my own anxieties in light of my faith that when we are open, there is a solution to every concern. I’ve written poems that I never would’ve been able to write were I not translating, what at times felt like, overwhelming emotion. I completed a rap that I’m really proud of despite the fact that it has not yet brought in any of the money I’d naively thought it would. And in my social justice and community building work, knowing that I am personally impacted by so much of the challenges that we’re trying to ameliorate, has shaped my preaching and public speaking in a way that perhaps it would not if my family was more shielded. And finally, by putting this out here, I feel that it is on the path of healing the ill effects of the negative type of pride. And so here we are.

I Always Feel Like Crying

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I always feel like crying
But it doesn’t mean I’m sad
It means I’m paying attention
To the issues that we have

In my soul I see a vision
Oneness is our Way
But in my body I feel division
As I watch morality decay

I have prayed and prayed for comfort
But it seems it’s nowhere near
Until I accept that I can’t save this world
And release my brokenness with tears

I wish that I was stronger
But my weakness keeps me humble
I would love to never make mistakes
But I was put on earth to stumble

I see heaven’s door wide open
I call on all I see to enter
But I’m afraid that if I go in first
I’ll forget what I remember

I know that’s backward logic
But they say the first’s the last
So when I came here from the future
It was to finish off my past

I hope that I’m not losing you
By speaking in ways that are not clear
I just had to get this off my chest
In case I’m drowned out by my tears

© Copyright 2020 Pedro S. Silva II