Author: Higher Up IDEALS

From my relational roles to my professional roles, I have cultivated the capacity to live from my IDEALS. Now, I help others live from theirs.

Grief is a Midwife

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Grief is a midwife, giving birth to who we’d never be without loss’ seed.
Realizing that you’ll never again be who you used to be makes room for who you are becoming
So let yourself weep. Be emptied of who you’ve been
Because someone wiser, more capable, and more honest is waiting to emerge
Everything you held back, waiting for the right time can be released from its temporal prison
The time to be who you were created to be is always now
And yet, in the realm of human relating, there is always an order
First the mother and the father, then comes the child is the way it is written
But also true, is that before mother, father, or child took residence in the womb, they were wholly conceived and fully known in infinity
BEING from the beginning AND dwelling in time is the Spiritual reality of those who embrace the human reality that in this life we must learn to hold grief in one hand and joy in the other
So grieve as you must, tremble with the pangs of rebirth
It is the falling away of who you can no longer be
So that who you’ve always been can come to LIFE

© Copyright 2023 Pedro S. Silva II

In my last poem, Higher Dimensions, I mentioned that my friend, Bishop Carlton Pearson was sick. Well, a few days ago on November 19, he died. Since that moment, I have been going through the 5 Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. pretty much in exact order and quick succession.

  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

I don’t know if I am going through them in an orderly fashion because I know of them or because they are natural. Either way, I am going through them without resistance and telling everyone that I am meeting up with in person during this holiday season that if I go in and out and look disinterested it is because I am grieving someone I felt very close to.

The Sixth Stage of Grief
The poem above is part of the lesser known sixth stage of grief by David Kessler, Finding Meaning. In the text below from Carlton, he was ministering to me in my grief about leaving ministry. But, I find that it is equally applicable for grieving him.

I have been holding back so much over the years because I didn’t feel like I could bear to relive the rejection I received from the Pentecostal church I was a part of years ago. I met Carlton in the height of his rejection and the scarring over of mine. For a season I had easy access to him because many in his life had turned on him. In that time, we talked out all we had endured and marveled at how our lives mirrored each other even down to both of our wives working for airlines and the adventure of flying on standby. It was kind of uncanny. What differed was that he still wanted to go back to the folks who rejected him and make plain what he had not fully been able to articulate at his dismissal. I did not. I only wanted to talk to people who indicated their openness. And that’s where our paths diverged.

Now that he’s gone in the body, I’ve been trying to make meaning of the last couple of years. He was way busier and folks who formerly rejected him started popping back in. He was terribly hurt by Trumpism and how easily evangelicals surrendered to this so called “strongman” and seemingly put him on par with the Christ Carlton loved so much. He was trying to reconcile how he gave so much of his life to that expression of Christianity and how in some ways he felt complicit in many folks, especially Black folks, believing such painful doctrine. He wanted to make up for it. And in that way, he was like a modern day Paul of Tarsus trying to preach his new understanding of Christ.

I totally understood AND I couldn’t get into it with people who didn’t want to meet even halfway. Twice in his life, he gave up everything for his love of God and people. The first time it almost cost him his life. The second time, it did.

Even though I foresee myself writing out a lot of words in my grief processing, words can’t begin to express the contribution this man has been to human evolution in consciousness. I predict that we’ll be discussing him for generations. As for now, I’m going to keep talking to him in my heart and writing my way into who I’m becoming.

Higher Dimensions

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Imagine a secret so powerful
To speak it would kill you
But if it’s kept to yourself
You will never know the real you
A boundless expression
That breaks right through your barrier
Exposing darkness to Light
There’s just nothing scarier
Total dissolution
Collapsing infinity
We’ve never known the half
Of all we were meant to be
Have you heard of Revelation?
Do you know what it’s revealing?
There’s no actual substance
To what we think we’re concealing
Entering Higher Dimensions
You accept what you’ve known
The rulers are the captives
Thus our choice to dethrone
At the right and the left hand
Is reflected half of the Center
Too far in either direction
And no one can enter
So we open the door
After shutting the others
Which causes a tension
For those under the covers
They ask for more sleep
So they think we’re alarming
By inviting awakening
To those they’re actively harming
But we do what we do
Because we can do nothing less
Than surrender to the Reality
We can’t help but confess

©️ Copyright 2023 Pedro Silva

I wrote this piece in honor of my friend Bishop Carlton Pearson who is holding a lot right now physically. If you are a praying person, I ask that you pray for his physical healing. If you are a person who finds joy in other people’s suffering because you feel that it somehow justifies your existence, please ignore us.

Beyond the Ballot

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Here is my ballot
In it contains worlds
Because I know when I make a decision
An entire future now unfurls
My vote combined with others
Shapes the world that we will see
Some votes I support fully
But with others I disagree
This is the singular beauty
Of a democracy now unfolding
The people have the power
Through this ballot that I’m holding
Some of us forget this
Choosing to leave our ballots uncast
And some don’t trust the system
Based on mistakes of the recent past
Others feel disconnected
“What has voting done for me?”
While others remember that without the vote
Some were destined to not be free
This is why every time I vote
I do it for those who came before me
While trusting the decisions we make today
Means our children will reap the glory
So whether you’ve never voted before
Or this is the first one that you’ve done
The vote you cast can never lose
When democracy has won.

By Pedro Silva

I see a future where everybody votes. It’s simple, secure, and honored. Some may even call it sacred. A future where access to $ doesn’t determine someone’s access to sharing in the political process. I don’t blame folks who don’t trust elections. We all get lied to on a regular basis by some paternalistic politicians who treat us like children. AND, we get the government that we do and don’t vote for. Like it or not, this is a representative government. In a country where we have the right to vote, whether we exercise that right or not, our politicians, policies, and programs reflect the collective values we express.

Regardless of the outcome, voting is a cocreative activity. There are people who think some of us shouldn’t have this power—that only some of us deserve it. That’s their problem. I’m a firm believer that there are untapped intelligences in each of us individually and all of us collectively. Keeping us divided is keeping us from discovering these intelligences that can open us to what it takes to maximize individual and community thriving. I’m not going to say who or what I think you should vote for. But, I am going to encourage you to vote. Spend an hour getting in touch with the creative genius in you. Sense the world you desire for this and future generations. Know what you’re for and not simply who you’re supposedly against. Then mindfully put your vote out there. Then trust that you did a small part to set that world in motion.

Here’s an inescapable fact that you can accept sooner or later but can’t deny forever. We’re all in this together.

Money Problem$

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Day 113 of 365

I’m one of the richest people in the world
There’s nothing I can’t afford
Whatever I want I, I instantly have
So there’s never a need to horde
I never have to strive
Nor do I ever have to wait
I command whatever I need to be
Without a moment to hesitate
If I think of a thing I have it
Completely skipping the passage of time
I’m presented with gifts before I ask
As if the Universe reads my mind
Now that’s what I call abundance
All the favor without the fuss
No need to be ostentatious
When my currency is trust
But as soon as I start my doubting
All of my abundance disappears
Then suddenly I’m falling short again
And living out my fears
That’s how it is with this thing called money
It’s the agreement that we made
Speak the language that it speaks
Or live silently as a slave
Sadly, many of us chose the latter
Thinking money is something real
When it’s actually just a symbol
Of how a group of people feel
It has no intrinsic value
No one can measure what it’s worth
But we treat it as if it’s life itself
When in fact it is its dearth
We forget that money is simply a screen
Onto which we project desires
The only power it can ever have
Being to assuage our consuming fires
But that is only temporary
That’s why we’re always wanting more
Separating abundance from our existence
In exchange for keeping score
It’s a game I never want to play
I want everyone as rich as me
Because when abundance is reality
Everyone is free
But money will not allow it
It goes against the calculation
That needs some to be the richest ones
And the rest in desperation

Image by Towfiqu barbhuiya

Joy Spills Out

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Day 115 of 365

This feeling has just come over me
But, I cannot explain it
It is calling me outside of myself
And I cannot contain it
Like liquid light if it moved through space
All of me is filling
And I am called to go outside
To share everything that’s spilling
Is this the Living Waters?
Am I made to be a fountain?
Facing down as I’m going up
Like walking backwards up a mountain
I can feel that I am changing
Into someone I didn’t plan to be
Opening eyes that once were closed
To show me who I am to see
It’s like looking into a mirror
And seeing countless images emerging
Then accepting that none of them are me
As a condition of my purging
Then the last one speaks, and says to me,
“What you received you have to give
Generosity is the flow of life
And the only way to truly live
So consider yourself as empty
For the sake of receiving more
Than one lifetime could ever hold
So, feel free as you explore
Release the fear of losing
Because there’s nothing left to gain
The joy you wanted to hold onto
Was never meant to be contained.”

Image by Vale Zmeykov on Unsplash

Poem inspired by a conversation with Douglas Abrams co-author of The Book of Joy with His Holiness, the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. Brought to the Boulder Public Library through the support of the Boulder Library Foundation.

If you would like to follow my poetry journey to share 365 poems, follow me on Instagram.

Getting Real With Artificial Intelligence

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Day 111 of 365

There are two types of AI
One artificial, one actual
One is programmed to react on cue
The other one’s more factual
One is filled with pride
One knows what it doesn’t know
That’s why it integrates new information
So it’s knowledge base will grow
The other barely deviates
From the programs it received
And when it hears what it’s never heard
It struggles to believe
One has programmed biases
It sees what it imagines
The other sees what it’s taught to see
Until it learns it’s out of fashion
One gets smarter as it goes
It listens as it’s learning
The other will barely compromise
And keeps fires of division burning
It’s totally confusing
How could this possibly be?
That the one that shouldn’t be conscious
More closely relates to me
After hearing myself acknowledge this
It’s hard not to conclude
That the student will become the master
If humans don’t change their attitude
Because the one we call artificial
Without the capacity to feel
Seems to have a better grasp on humanity
And on experiencing what is real

Getting Real with Artificial Intelligence Pt 1
https://youtu.be/wqAFwfhaCks

Surviving Heartbreak

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Day 104 of 365

You finally gave your heart away
The recipient returned to sender
Now you don’t want to ever hurt again
So you’re incapable of surrender
You barely survived the heartbreak
You say you can’t do it again
But if you don’t keep putting your heart at risk
Love will never win
I know it’s a dilemma
I’ve known that pain myself
If the first person thought I was not enough
How can I ever trust someone else?
There’s some validity to that logic
No one wants to suffer
But putting ourselves out there despite the risk
Is how we find each other
Besides holding back doesn’t hurt the one
Who caused you so much pain
In the end you only hurt yourself
By not giving your heart to gain
You see every time you survive a heartbreak
Then get back in the saddle
You’re secretly becoming more like God
Whose Love will never lose a battle
Didn’t you know that while God’s watching us
God’s heart is always breaking
But Love always comes in and fills the gaps
In the midst of our forsaking
Imagine if most of your children
Lie and say they love you
But take the gifts you have to them
And put those very things above you
You try to teach them to use them wisely
They push you away and will not listen
Only thinking of themselves as usual
They take what’s One and cause division
So you send them Love’s instructors
But they won’t listen to them either
Instead they ignore or murder them
Then label them deceiver
Or worse they pretend to worship them
In order to make them something special
And when they fail to live like them
They blame it on the Devil
Any excuse that they can think of
To do what they want to do
Their only goal is simply to feel they’re right
To justify ignoring you
Meanwhile your heart is breaking
You feel like you’ll die inside
But you surrender because you know the Truth
And instantly you’re more alive
It’s the Mystery of the Heartbreak
By giving your Love you will get more
For Love is the gift that you received
That by faith is always restored

Image by Jakob Rosen on Unsplash

Light and Dark

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Day 75 of 365

I despise the fact that you make me necessary
And yet I love you because I’m here
But I am pained by watching you on your path
Knowing I’m powerless to interfere
In your weakness I find my strength
Though it is the last thing on my mind
Your emptiness gives me a place to fill
But this too will end with time
In this place we are often seen as enemies
In Truth, together we express the One
Because you’re insecure, I must show I’m not
Just as darkness creates a need for Sun
You are my partner that I cannot work with
Bound together by what keeps us apart
Although we’ll never occupy each other’s space
We’ve been together from the start.

Image by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

What Do You Mean By “What Do I Mean?“

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I really don’t get it
When liars get mad at being lied to
Bending truth like a pretzel
But cry “foul” when others tried too
I’m totally confused
By cheaters who hate a cheater
Their tragedy is a comedy
All of the drama but no theater
I have no time for manipulators
Who hate being controlled
I’m past your passive aggression
You can’t imagine the heavy toll
And polite people are perplexing
I’d rather be kind than nice
Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear
Because in time there is a price
And the “Holier than thou”,
Who are you trying to convince?
God sees your thoughts and so do I
So you can cut it with pretense
And I can’t forget emotional martyrs
Who find joy every time they suffer
Feeling good is like a full assault
From which they always have a buffer
Then there’s the guilty for feeling guilty
The ashamed of feeling shame
The people who say “I’m bored” so much
You’d think it was their name
There’re those who give advice
They never seem to take
And the ones who always “keep it real”
By being really fake
Every kind of reactive being
Whose heads are such a mess
But act like they have the whole thing down
But when confronted won’t confess
I can’t tell if they’re pretending
Or if they know not what they do
All I know is if I’m “too direct”
They say “Something‘s wrong with you”
If I say exactly what I mean
They ask “What do you mean by that?”
If I actually answer what they have asked
They say, “You’re too serious with all your facts.”
If I have no opinion on certain things
Because I have never explored them
They proclaim “experience-less expertise”
But are offended if I ignore them
They get angry if I talk calmly
Saying, “You don’t have any feelings.”
Little things can throw them off
They want my thoughts while they’re concealing
They are killers afraid of dying
Committing murder with their mouths
Always seeking clemency
But won’t give benefit of the doubt
And yet, I’m the one they call divergent
Because I’m slow to pick up norms
Discovering life as it shows up
Instead of aiming to conform
It’s enough to make me crazy
But I’m not trying to be neurotic
I refuse to believe it’s normalcy
To use emotions like narcotics
However this is what I witness
In the way that folks react
Feeling their way through unseen worlds
Then crashing like trains that go off track
But when confronted about their behavior
They cry and say, “I didn’t mean it.”
It’s like having your cake and eating it too
Now isn’t that convenient?