I was saying grace over my egg, cheese, and bacon breakfast sandwich one morning reading a book called Realizations by my friend Bill Guillory and I had some realizations of my own. As I sat on the park bench eating the sandwich in this little country town I thought about how mysterious it was that I found myself there in the first place. For a moment I glimpsed my entire life and then it hit me that I have been so many places in my life, met so many people, and loved so much. And yet there is so much room for more. Realizing this I committed myself to living with my soul wide open no matter what. That is where the poem below came from.
Soul Wide Open
From this day I’m gonna live with my soul wide open.
No matter how many times my heart has to get broken
No matter how many times I have to die and come back
Living less than who I am is like a train that’s off track
We’ve been taught to live lies, close eyes, be blind
Afraid to look within because we done lost our minds
But I just found mine, gon’ clean it off spit shine
From an eternal space now I choose to bend and break time
Forget about the past
Who can prove it anyway
Keep my focus on what lasts
And live to see the final day
Not the one that’s about judgment
But the one that reveals the Real
Where all souls open up
And we live the love we feel
This poem is for every friend who feels like they have to hold themselves back or are held back by chains to the past or fear of the future that make us feel undeserving of the love that is our birthright. Maybe you never received it from the people you assigned as the ones to validate or approve of you, but love is in no short supply. It is everywhere, because you are love. If you doubt it, I dare you to go to a mirror right now and say, “You are beautiful, I love you, and I am glad you are here.” If it is hard to say ask yourself why. If it is easy to say, you’re in a good place. If we don’t love ourselves how can we expect it from others?
You can learn more on the above statements by checking out the post Coming Out of the Dark.
I really don’t get how so many of us live our lives as if we are so divorced from Nature. It really trips me out. And I’m not just talking about the whole global warming, pollution, and endangered species piece. I see all of that as symptoms of the underlying disease. It goes deeper than that. Now, I’m not going to say that I “get it”. I don’t understand a lot about life. But one thing I do know is that I am a partaker of life. I am not separate from any life and that which I give to life I receive from life. We are One with all that is. This much I know. And I know that any contrary thought is born out of illusion. While we try to subdue or defy nature, we do nothing more than subdue and defy our own consciousness of who we truly are as beings in relationship with everything that ever was, is, and will be. All we have to do is pay attention. But as it seems, we see paying attention as a threat. When we distract ourselves from the mirror of call of Creation the consequence is never knowing who we really are.
Do you know that this life, as most of us engage it, is mostly illusion? Yes. In fact, most of our lives have never happened as we have imagined them. This may feel disconcerting. I know we want to believe that our lives have meant something and that the stories that we have told ourselves about our lives have real substance. But, the reality is that it is not true. Are you curious about why I would say such a thing? You might ask, “What about my role in my family? What about all the ‘good’ that I have done? What about world peace and saving the planet? What about my religion? Do you really expect me to believe that all of that is illusion? I am somebody. I am a special person who does special things that mean something in this world.”
Yes. All of those things are wonderful. Yes. Only you could have had the experiences that you have had, are having, and will have. Yes. No one can do the work that you do here. But… the meaning that we give to these things is not universal. It is subjective and without inherent substance. The only substance it has is what we give to it. And as such, every engagement that we have with the people, places, events, things etc. is a solitary experience that exists only for the creator of that experience…us. And the fact is that this imagination of ours is a very awesome gift and a beautiful ability that God has shared with us, but what we do with it is only for us. It cannot be shared. And that my friends, is the paradox out of which all suffering is born. We cannot figure out how to get the whole world to go along with our storylines and many of us experience that as very lonely. And sadly, many of us get attached to people who have no interest in our stories, but who we have decided should especially agree to our awesomeness–often family–and we use most of our imagination trying to figure out ways to get their approval.
We want to be unique, special, awesome, and all things wonderful in the world. But more than anything, we want to be right. We want everyone to agree with the story we tell ourselves about what our life means–what the world means–and if they do not agree, our world comes apart. Why? Well, we want to be right because, on some level, we know that we are the creators of our own experience and yet, when our creations seem to get out of control, we do not want to take responsibility. Why? Because when we create a world where we are super special and the central character around which all of life revolves, then it is imperative that we maintain our “rightness” at all costs because without it, it seems that all hope is lost. To us, being “wrong” is death because somewhere in the beginning of the story that we create for ourselves, we establish our infallibility as the prime directive. No matter what happens, the story must end with our “rightness”. Otherwise, it becomes very difficult to orient ourselves in the story. If the “creator” is not always right then the story may turn out “wrong”. So what is “wrong”? Well, for most of us, “wrong” is whatever makes us feel uncomfortable. And as such, “right” is what makes us comfortable.
Unfortunately, when we get to this point, it means that we have become lost in our own story. It is like a swimmer who goes too far out into the water and gets tired. They then begin to fear drowning and may very well do so without help. Or better yet, it is like an actor who gets so lost in the character, that they no longer can tell the difference between themselves and the character that they are playing. That is all well and good for the movies, but at some point and time the person has to be able to get out of character. If they can’t bring themselves out, then they will need help from someone else. So how can one do that? Well first off, the person doing the extraction has to be able to live in paradox. Secondly, they have to decentralize themselves when they enter into another person or group’s story. Third, they cannot value comfort over discomfort. Fourth, they must be willing to become whatever the other requires in order to clandestinely guide the other out of the illusion—even if it means looking like a jerk, liar, or hypocrite. You can see this principle at work when people like Jesus went nuts on the moneychangers or when Abraham Lincoln said to Horace Greeley that:
“If I could save the Union without freeing any slave I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all the slaves I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone I would also do that. What I do about slavery and the colored race, I do because I believe it helps to save the Union; and what I forbear, I forbear because I do not believe it would help to save the Union.”
The ultimate requirement of an extractor, however, is that they have to be willing to die in the story. Think about the likes of Moses and Martin Luther King Jr. who made it to the mountaintop in the stories of which they are a part, but were unable to enter the “promised land” themselves. Of course the above mentioned Abraham Lincoln did this too. And if you really want to see this principle at work, you can’t see a better example than Jesus Christ. If the person is not willing to die in the story, then they will, out of necessity, try to shift the story for their own benefit. They must be other focused or the extraction will definitely fail. At all times they must work like they will live forever, but be willing to die right now. And, this death does not simply mean the physical death. It includes everything from being willing to walk away from a job to having your reputation tarnished. You must have no attachment to the world that will supersede the prime directive—which is to steadfastly stand in reality while in the presence of illusion.
The above poem explains how this is done. It requires faith. Hebrews 11:1-3 teaches “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.” (Check out the whole Hebrews Chapter 11 for examples) This is extremely important for someone doing extraction to remember, because if they do not have faith, they will be more likely to rely on their own understanding and be swayed by what things seem to be. A person operating out of faith knows that the only Universal story is the one that emerges out of the context of eternal life—God’s Story of infinite abundance (If you can call it a story). If the true story is emerging out of a context of eternal life, then all actions that have as their aim preserving the life of the actor, are illusory at their root. This is why Jesus said in Mark 8:35 “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s (Good News) will save it.” And this is precisely why we cannot share our individual stories. To live our lives in such a way that our purpose is to avoid death makes us death’s slave. This is the ultimate illusion.
Paul makes this clear in Romans 6:16-18 when he says, “Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one’s slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness? But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered. And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.”
Given this summation of things, to live in the fear of death is to be the slave of death. But to live in and toward eternal life is to serve eternal life–the only life there is. When one lives out of this reality, they can understand what Paul meant when he said, “O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?” This has to be the mindset of one working toward the freedom of their friends lost in their own story. In John 15:13 Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” For many people this may sound like martyrdom. It is not. Death is a part of every life. Ultimately, nothing tells us more about a person’s life than how they face death. When one understands this, the love that Jesus is talking about becomes clearer as well. It is this Love, born of faith that sets all people free. There is no reality beyond the scope of this freedom. All words fall short of describing this reality. It must be lived.
Once someone begins living into eternal life, they will wonder why they did not give up their limited story sooner. They will see their rescuers actions in a different light and they will appreciate the risk that their rescuers took to bring them back to true life. Some may even choose to share the true life with others. But none of this is a possibility until they break free from their story–until their feet feel the solid ground. As long as they are in fear they cannot know the love that would enter into their death story in order to bring them to life. For as 1 John 4:18 teaches, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” Those operating from faith must put off fear even when we feel it and trust the promises of love that we have never been forsaken even in our darkest hour.
When right before he died in our story, Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lamasabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” he showed the very depths he was willing to go to free us from illusion. He put on the lie of death so that we could see life at work. He lived wholly into every moment even into what we fear most and he did not try to avoid any aspect of it even the worst mental, physical, and spiritual pains that we could imagine–total abandonment, rejection, helplessness, and annihilation of our story. But as I receive this choice he made in faith, I believe that he and others who have surrendered their own story of who they are for God’s story, have done so to show us that “the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us (Romans 8:18)” when we go the Way of Life in faith.
There’s something I feel I must say to you
Don’t get angry just because it’s true
This is something I feel I have to do
Now let me break it down for you
We dig it!
When we see those people with nothing to eat
Somehow it makes us feel more complete
So we dig it.
We see they’re so poor so we’re comparatively rich
But if it were not for them, there would be no rich
How would we know if we all had the same shit?
So we need the poor, ain’t that a bitch
Can you dig it?
Man, so and so’s kid is bad as hell
But it makes my kid comparatively well
So I dig it.
Now here is something else for you
Once again it’s extremely true
Someone has to be down to look up to you
So thank God for losers because I’m one too
Can you dig it?
If it wasn’t for the darkness
Would there be light?
So thank God for the madness
Does that seem right?
This is something I won’t explain tonight.
But still we dig it.
Now there’s one more thing I have to say
None of you are wrong today
If it wasn’t to be, it wouldn’t be this way
It’s all part of the process of becoming OK
Can we dig it?
Luke 18 offers a parable attributed to Jesus that tells the story of a man who, while in so called prayer, compared himself to other people and found himself to be comparatively righteous.
“Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
How familiar does that sound? Have you ever looked at other people and thought like the above Pharisee? I’m sure most of you have. I know I used to and I would venture to say that 99% of Americans do. It is part of our indoctrination here. And I think it is safe to assume that this is done the world over to the same degree. It clearly was happening in Jesus’ locale and time and as we know it is still happening now. The fact is that most of us would have no concept of who we are outside of the context of other people. Like the Pharisee, we compare ourselves to others and either exalt ourselves or look down on ourselves in relation to the people we are comparing ourselves to. This practice is rampant in humanity and operates at every so called level of society from the poorest of the poor to the richest of the rich. From the highest IQ to the lowest. From the least attractive to the most. Do you see what I am doing here by calliing up these spectra? When I say high isn’t that where you want to be? When I say low isn’t that what you want to avoid? The question is, who is determining what is “high” and “low”? As you can see from the parable, Jesus doesn’t use our standards of judgment. Most of us would be kissing the butt of the Pharisaical equivalent in our own time and circumstances. We’d believe his hype and step all over ourselves to get into his entourage.
I remember one time some friends asked me to play basketball. I tried to explain to them that I never cultivated my hoop game, but I was willing to play if they could concentrate on their game instead of mine. They played all of the time and it was a waste of all of our energies to compare my skills to theirs or to get frustrated if I passed the ball into the bleachers or dribbled on my foot. They assured me that they could live in the moment and just play for fun and drop the whole competitive thing. “We’re just playing for exercise”, they swore. Well, the game began and ten minutes in, I could tell that my partner wanted to punch me in the mouth. It would not have been the first time I was punched on the basketball court for “making someone lose”, so I knew the signs. But, this time I was playing with adults, so I figured the frustration would not get pass the evil eye and the occassional scream of “COME ON!” So I just did my best. We were only playing to 21 and my only goal was to make at least one basket before the game was over. I was actually having fun. I was in my own world, rating myself solely by how close I actually got to getting the ball in. Air, air, backboard, backboard, air, rim, rim, backboard. Then it happened. There was no hope. We were going to lose, but I kept playing like the game was as close as one of those Mighty Ducks movies.
According to programming, my teammate was dying inside. Why did he get me? “Pass the ball,” he yelled. I guess the possibililty of losing 21 to 6 seemed more appealing than 21 to 4. But I took the shot and by God’s grace, we were 1 point higher on the defeat scale. 19 to 7. I’m jumping up and down. I made a shot. And then the game was sealed as the other guys took it home. As they reveled in their glory and proceeded to throw it in my face, I said, “Yeah. You destroyed a guy who played the game 5 times in his life and only twice with other people. Woopity doo. But did you see that shot I got on you? I’m only 5’4″ and I got that shot over your 6′ head. How were you not able to block that?” Of course he looked at me like I was crazy. On top of that I took all of the fun out of his gloating. “If Jesus were calling that game he would have said I won, but who’s keeping score?” I added. After the dust settled and they decided that I was officially crazy, one of the guys asked me why I wasn’t bothered by the game. I told him that I knew one of us was going to lose. That’s just how it is. If there were no losers, there would be no winners. He needed me in order for him to feel like a winner.Because I knew that, in reality I had nothing to lose. My role completes the universal balance. It’s just how it is.
This is the reality y’all. The Universe does not need our judgment. It is pretty pointless in the grand scheme of things. When we compare ourselves to others and try to determine our status in relation to them, it is an exercise in futility. As long as we do that we will never be able to truly desire for the fulfillment of all life. How can we? How can we be happy for people if we think of them as being better off than us? How can we see eye to eye with those in temporary need if we think we are in a position to pity them or feel sorry for them? One of my favorite quotes is from the actor, Kevin Costner. I read an article he was featured in after he won a bunch of awards for Dances with Wolves. When asked how excited he was about all of the achievements he said, “Hey, I am just a guy living a life like anybody else.” And that’s it in a nutshell. We are all people living lives and making choices. Comparing ourselves to others and gauging our value based on what other people are doing adds nothing to our lives.
With this poem, I hope the reader is willing to admit that we have this tendency to compare ourselves to others and base our worth on a false sense of value, if in fact that is the case. We need to know that each and everyone of us is of infinite value to our Creator. Do you know what it takes to get us here? It takes everything. God does not hold back. God gives everything to everything. God literally pours God’s entire Being into everything that IS. And then once we become self aware or should I say self conscious, we begin the futile attempts to break it down, categorize it, and judge it according to our limited points of view. What if we could just stop it all? What if we could just be with each other, appreciate each other, and just live our lives together?
So the next time you catch yourself putting yourself down or lifting yourself up solely based on other people, just admit it. No one can really judge you, so don’t judge yourself. And as Jesus beseeched us, “Judge not, lest thou be judged” (by yourself).
Matthew 7:1-6
Do Not Judge
7 “Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.6 “Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.
Have you ever felt like you had no choice in the person that you are? It’s as if everything that you do is interpreted in a manner over which you have no choice. I’ve felt that feeling and I have known many people who have. Sometimes it works for you–at least until you start to question it–and sometimes it doesn’t. For a long time it worked for me. I ended up looking like the good guy no matter what I did because that was the role people assigned to me. There were even times where I deliberately set out to do wrong and it turned out good. I couldn’t stand it. I was trapped by goodness. I couldn’t even be a jerk if I wanted to. I was what they said I was and there is nothing “they” hate more than being wrong. The ego is so crazy that even when I admitted to being wrong and tried to punish myself, the people who were invested in my goodness would not support my own summation of myself. That is how crazy we are sometimes. Here’s a good example.
When I was in the military, I started out as a super shiny and crispy airman. My uniform was pressed, my boots were shiny, and I was super respectful. I drank the kool-aid in basic training and asked for seconds. I liked the order and the core values and all that rut. When it came time for the reviews, I deserved a 5 out of 5 and expected it. I honored the system, followed it, and deserved to get the scores it said someone who followed it was supposed to get. So when my first supervisor who didn’t know anything about me since he was deployed my entire evaluation period tried to give me a 3, I let him know that wasn’t happening. Everyone else who got to know me in the office knew I was a 5 so they would not accept his recommendation.
I know I sound arrogant, but is it arrogant to call a red rose red? No. I was a 5, because “they” had already decided I was a 5 because I did what 5s were supposed to do. I had paid enough attention in life to know that there was nothing he or anyone could do about it without getting into some serious crazy stuff. Of course, he doubted my take on things and went into the NCOIC’s (Non Commissioned Officer in Charge) to tell him I deserved a 3. His reasoning was that I did not work well with others, because he heard me tell a fellow airman to do his job or get out of my way. Well, after a few minutes, he emerged from the office looking like he was going to cry. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I was then called in the office where the NCOIC proceeded to tell me to ignore everything my supervisor said. “Obviously he does not know you. I will do your evaluation and it is a 5.” All I said was, “Ok. Thanks.” After that, my supervisor and I never really talked much. He knew his opinion didn’t count for anything. The irony is, neither did mine.
Fast forward 2 years. I went from shiny and crispy to dull and flaky. I was overweight, angry, and was sweating alcohol. I put getting haircuts off to the last minute and my pseudofolliculitis barbae (that is medical talk for razor bumps) was getting out of hand since I had finally started to grow facial hair. I was a mess and I knew it. On top of it all I was having crazy heart palpitations. I was no longer 5 material even in my own summation–especially in my summation. In retrospect I guess I was in mourning from a relationship ending. But at the time I did not have sympathy for myself so I decided that I was just a punk. I felt so crappy I didn’t even think God wanted anything to do with me. And so out of anger, I turned my projection of God’s imagined sentiment toward me back onto my idea of God and then rejected it. In short, I didn’t even have God to lean on at that time. And I started going out to clubs and drinking and generally trying to make up for lost time when I was “good for no reason”. Still, somehow, like Solomon I was able to see myself acting like a fool with some clarity.
When evaluation time came around again, I was able to be honest on the form where it asked my opinion of myself. Being a little generous for the extenuating circumstances of my break-up, I gave myself a 3.5. I didn’t care that the lower score would effect my ability to get promoted or anything. I still had respect for what the system was designed for. I didn’t think someone acting like I was acting should be headed toward promotion anyway and so I told the truth about my decline. Guess what happened. I got called into the office and was essentially told what my old supervisor had been told. I was not getting anything less than a 5. I protested that it was unfair and that people like me deserved 3.5s or else the whole system would be corrupted. My new supervisor eventually begged me to accept a 5 for his sake and I told him, “I don’t care what you do because this system is fake.” He told me that if it made me feel any better, he would write in my areas of improvement that I talked too much and was too hard on myself. I remained a 5.
So you see. In that case, I was the man that society made. I had no choice in me. Unfortunately, I know several people who did not benefit from this human tendency to see what they want to see. And believe me, I have been on that side too. This place has a way of trying to force you into conformity with the story “they” have already written for us. I could have easily told you a story about brothers in my neighborhood who were convinced that there was “nothing for a nigga to do but sling” after being crushed by the pressures around them or of a friend who was so tired of being looked at like he was going to steal something that he snapped and did it and was consequently labeled a thief. I could have, but I used the example above because I think it is important to know that there are people who benefit from some of our systems who are just as trapped as those of us who don’t seemingly benefit. We’re all in this world together and I think that the sooner we realize that we are serving systems instead of being served by them and serving humanity as a whole, the sooner we will be able to erase the lines we think separate us from one another. Jesus told the religious robots of his time that the Sabbath was created for humanity, not the other way around. The same is true for all of the systems we have in place. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with systems, but when people are being herded into them like cattle forced to play roles that may run contrary to their spirit, those systems need to be questioned. If they are not open to questioning then none of us are free.
This poem calls to consciousness that feeling of despair that colors many of our lives. Like Eminem said, “I am whatever you say I am. If I wasn’t then why would you say I am.” That’s what many of us feel like after years of being fed this story of who we are or who we are supposed to be. I want you to know that we have a choice. When you read this poem, I hope that you acknowledge any feelings that come up around it and then decide whether or not you want to keep allowing them to dictate your life. Because you do have a choice even if it may not seem to be an easy one. The key is to follow Jesus’ advice to the rich young ruler in Luke 18:18-27. If we can do that, then we go from being someone society made to someone God created. That’s where the freedom lives.
I made this blog, because after stepping away from this book for nearly seventeen years, I have authentically used the book, It’s All In Me, for the purpose for which it was originally conceived–as a roadmap back into consciousness. It provided me with a breadcrumb trail back to the core of my being when I stepped off the path and entered into the wilderness of life. That’s no joke. For the most part, I am a person that avoids tumultuous situations if I can help it. I try to learn from other people’s mistakes and circumvent making my own. But I’ve discovered that life is “dirty”. I’m convinced that we’re meant to get the grime of life under our fingernails while somehow remembering and/or maintaining the awareness that we are of Divine stock. I trust the witness of Christ to that effect and try to live my life with the anticipation of realizing in myself and others that which I believe he saw in humanity.
John 3:16-17 teaches that “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.”
For the past 40 years, I have been trying to figure out what Christ saw in us that was worth dying for. That’s what I want to know, because I do not think that one can truly live without that knowledge. This is one man’s opinion. Engaging life from this consciousness, is not a religious thing. It is a reality thing. And that is what “It’s All In Me” is striving toward. I do not try to escape from the fact that the best and worst of what we witness in humanity dwells within me and in every one of us. And yet, I believe that every dimension of my being–of all of our being is wholly loved and embraced in the reality of the One many of us call God. I think Jesus engaged humanity from that reality and that each and every one of us has that option. That’s what this book tries to remind us of. We have choice in how we engage humanity no matter what our story is. This book was written in poetry so that the reader can help create it as they read. I want you to project yourself into the poems and own the fact that the best and worst of what you encounter in these readings is within you. The question is: What will you do with that consciousness?
“There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, it doesn’t behoove any of us to speak evil of the rest of us ” — Edgar Cayce
It's All In Me - Poetry Blog 